The Idler, Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Down memory lane

RECENT mention of Jackie McGlew and his record slowest 

century provokes reminiscence in retired headmaster and cricket 

personality Tom Lambert,

Jackie was an opening batsman who skippered his club, Old 

Collegians, as well as Natal and South Africa. Old Collegians 

played in the Pietermaritzburg league and was a "closed" club 

- membership confined, as Tom reminds us, to old boys of 

Maritzburg College.

But when demon fast bowler Neil Adcock – a product of Jeppe 

High – relocated to Pietermaritzburg from Joburg, the rules were 

bent. Old Collegians suddenly became an "open" club and Jackie 

McGlew had at his disposal in club games his opening bowler at 

Test level.

Tom played for Zingari in Adcock's first club game for Old 

Collegians. It was at the Oval in Alexandra Park.

"I have never seen such a crowd for a club match at the Oval, a 

place where cars would drive up to the boundary and hooters blew 

when good things happened on the field. This particular Sunday 

the ground was packed with cricket lovers come to see the great 

Neil Adcock in action."

Zingari won the toss and chose to bat. Adcock took the first over, 

the crowd expectant. Tom was batting at No 11. The over was 

pretty innocuous, a damp squib. McGlew took Adcock off.

Then Zingari's batsmen started getting among the runs. Back 

came Adcock, this time fuming and furious at having been taken 

off after one over. He proceeded to deliver a series of thunderbolts 

that almost decapitated the batsmen and wrought havoc.

"I certainly won't forget that game," says Tom.

He neglects however to tell us how he eventually went in at No 

11 and proceeded to hoick Adcock to every corner of the ground, 

saving the match for Zingari and causing a blare of hooting in 

approbation.

It's Tom's innate modesty.

Wot a winker!

ONE of the Zingari batsmen who were getting amongst the runs in 

that match was a certain Viv Biggs, one of the more mischievous 

characters of cricket.

In another game – this time at the Collegians oval, not the 

main one - Viv was opening for Zingari. As the opening bowler 

thundered in, he suddenly collapsed and rolled about laughing.

Viv had clipped on a battery-operated clown's nose that was 

winking as he approached.

The umpires and the cricket authorities were not amused.

Bad light

THEN there was the time old Frank Smith – possibly one of 

the fastest bowlers ever in South Africa but uncapped in Tests 

because of the Great Depression and World War II – walked out to 

bat for MCC (Maritzburg Cricket Club) after a failed appeal against 

the light.

He was waving a hurricane lantern. "Where are you? I can hear 

you but I can't see you!"

The umpires and the cricket authorities were scandalised.

Lift needed

THEY'VE been doing the SAG Awards in London. The name 

conjures up images of ageing actresses gone droopy about the 

bodice; film heroes of yesteryear gone paunchy and with double 

chins.

The Screen Actors Guild really need to think of something more 

zippy as a title for their awards ceremony.

Surfeit

OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "I've seen 

it all, done it all – can't remember most of it."

Oil and gold

INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener notes in his latest 

grumpy newsletter that at a ratio of nearly 27 barrels of oil for a 

single troy ounce of gold – a millennial high - prospects for our 

gold-rich, oil-poor nation should be amazing. 

"Instead, however, we are wondering how to keep the lights 

on, the national airline solvent, the broadcaster honest and the 

citizenry from attacking one other."

Tailpiece

HR Manager: "What kind of employment package do you expect?"

Applicant: "I'd expect R400 000 a year starting salary. Six weeks' 

holiday a year and a Jaguar for company car."

HR Manager: "Okay, how about this? R500 000 a year, rising to 

R700 000 after two years. Eight weeks' annual leave. Your own 

secretary and PA and we promote you to board level after four 

years?"

Applicant: "Wow! You've got to be joking!"

HR Manager: "I am. But you started it."

Last word

There is no abstract art. You must always start with something. Afterward 

you can remove all traces of reality. 

Pablo Picasso