Saturday, February 21, 2015

The Idler, Monday, January 12, 2015

Let the games begin!

A WASTELAND of football white elephants ... a footballing infrastructure that 

is largely mis-sized and completely misplaced ... derisory crowds ... pathetic gate 

takings ... Last week's Mercury piece on the financial hangover that has followed the 

euphoria of the World Cup said it all.

What's that? The piece was about Brazil, not South Africa? Er, so it was.

Well, that's all right then. Durban can go for the Commonwealth Games, full speed 

ahead.

What's that? A R100 million price tag just to make the bid? The national and 

provincial treasuries say the money isn't available?

When did that ever stop us? Full speed ahead! Let the ratepayers pick up the tab. 

Durban must act now before Nkandla snatches it.

Matric

SABC boss Hlaudi Motsoeneng  seems to think matric certificates are 

neither here nor there (though the public protector  doesn't quite agree 

with him). What's more important is the individual's brain (such as, 

presumably, his own).

So why all the fuss about the matric results? Just join the SABC and get 

on in life.

Matric or not matric? It recalls the story from long ago of the Free State 

bar at the time South Africa went metric. An old farmer went in and 

ordered his usual brandewyn .

When the tot was poured, the farmer called the barman in outrage. 

"What's this?"

"Oom, it's the new metric tot."

"Metric tot?" The farmer held the glass up in disgust. "This tot didn't 

make JC!"

Maybe Hlaudi Motsoeneng is right. Who of the younger folk have even 

heard of JC these days?

Retrievers

IT'S the War of the Retrievers. Last week we had a picture of Trig, 

six-year-old son of dishy Alaskan rightwing politician – and former 

governor - Sarah Palin, standing on their Labrador retriever, Jill 

Hadassah, to reach the dishes he was washing in the sink. Sarah 

saw it as cute and posted it on the internet.

Peta (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) took umbrage, 

attacking Sarah, who of course supports dog-sleddin', huntin' and 

fishin' - everything Peta hates.

But, er, it turns out that talk show host EllenDegeneres had posted 

an almost identical picture of her own son standing on a golden 

retriever. And, er, Peta recently voted Ellen Woman of the Year for 

going vegan and eschewing all animal products.

This put Sarah into orbit: "...double-standard radicals ... anti-beef 

screamers ... celebrity idols ... flighty standards ..."

I guess Sarah wins this one. Except, I repeat, it's surely a terrible cruelty to call a 

Labrador Jill Hadassah.

Y-fronts next?

A MASSACHUSETTS man escaped awaiting trial in jail by putting up his pair of 

trainers (what some of us would call tackies) as bail. He was charged with drug 

offences, and bail was set at $450 (R4 950) but he did not have the money. .

The judge told him to "be creative" and he came up with the trainers.

What kind of precedent is this? Will people in Massachusetts next be stripping in the 

dock, posting bail with Y-fronts and smelly socks>

Non-cricketing Kepler

ARE these Nasa folk having us on again? One of eight new planets spied in distant 

solar systems has become "the most Earth-like alien world" – in theory capable of 

supporting life.

Picked out by Nasa's Kepler space telescope, Kepler 438b is part of what they call 

the "Goldilocks belt" – not too hot and not too cold. (This Kepler apparently has 

nothing to do with cricket).

One little drawback though – Kepler 438b is 475 light years away.

All the same, they show us an image of the planet, taken through the space 

telescope. It rests there in the ether, basked in a pinkish glow.

Yet suspicions linger. I hope Nasa isn't pulling another trick on us the way they did 

with the surface of Mars, which all along was the Griquas rugby field at Kimberley. 

This time they could be just doing the same, through rose-tinted spectacles.

Tailpiece

IT'S a TV talent show. A contestant has a dog that plays the piano and a cat that 

sings, while he conducts.

TV producer: "This is fantastic. That dog's a marvel on the piano; the cat is superb!"

""Look, I've got to level with you. The cat can't sing a note. The dog's a 

ventriloquist."

Last word

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he 

sings. 

Ed Gardner

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