The Idler, Tuesday, January 13

The great boondoggle

THESE Nasa people are being most persistent in their boondoggle. They've been 

sending back pictures of barren, flinty landscapes – not a blade of grass – which 

purport to be of the surface of Mars, the photographs taken by Nasa's Curiosity rover.

Now they've engaged the services of one Nora Noffke, a geobiologist at Old 

Dominion University, Virginia, to compare the Curiosity photos with microbial 

structures she has observed over 20 years in Western Australia's Dresser Formation.

She finds striking similarities, suggesting early life forms on Mars, similar to what 

happened here.

To quote her: "The distinctive shapes include erosional remnants, pockets, domes, 

roll-ups, pits, chips and cracks, which on Earth can extend from a few centimetres to 

many kilometres."

And if that's not the Griquas rugby field at Kimberley that she's so vividly describing, 

then I'm a duffer. Erosional remnants, pockets, domes, roll-ups, pits, chips and cracks 

... that might be true of Western Australia but it's also the Griquas rugby field. Ask 

anyone who's played there..

Why Nasa is going to such elaborate lengths to perpetuate this hoax is a mystery. 

Perhaps they're in competition with the European Space Agency, which recently 

landed on the Griquas rugby field and claimed it was a comet or asteroid or 

something.

Don't be fooled! Let's keep our feet on the ground!

x

Snow White

THE full seven dwarves haven't moved in yet but Snow White has, along 

with three of the little fellers.

Theatre personalities Caroline Smart and Peter Gardner find themselves 

playing host to a beautiful white Burmese (or at least half-Burmese) cat, who 

has now produced three kittens – two white and one black.

They live in Westridge, close to the Mayville police station, and are anxious 

to find out who owns Snow White, who at first was just a regular visitor to 

their garden but, since the arrival of the kittens, appears now to have moved 

in permanently.

"Just before Christmas, she appeared with three kittens – two white and one 

black - all utterly adorable balls of fluff," says Caroline. "They have now 

taken over the porch which the kittens have turned into a crazy playground 

and spend much time sleeping in the flower pots. I don't think our orchids 

will ever be the same again."

Peter is also a well-known figure in the world of yachting and finds a 

symmetry in the black and white kittens – with whom he plays almost 

constantly - and the Black & White whisky he also plays with in Point Yacht 

Club and Royal Natal.

"Snow White is strong, muscular, domesticated and very loving," says 

Caroline. "We cannot believe that this beautiful animal doesn't have a home 

somewhere. We are appealing to anyone who recognises her - or could give 

one of the kittens a home if we don't find her owners - to contact me on 082 

892 3959 or Peter on 083 225 7934."

Remover

READER Van Johnson passes on the comment of a cricket fan of 

her acquaintance as the fifth and final Test against the West Indies 

at Newlands reached denouement.

"The Steyn remover is cleaning them all up".

Two words

OCCASIONAL contributor Barrie ("with an 'ie'") says he knows a dishy 

bird called Ug who dances the Charleston like a 1920s flapper and is 

married to a fellow named Ag.

Ug takes her name from her initials, Barrie emphasises, not from her 

looks, and is also something of a marriage counsellor. She told Barrie 

(who turned 80 the other day) that for a man to have a happy marriage 

all he has to do is learn two words: "Yes dear".

Mind you, at that vintage there must surely be a few ripostes available: 

""Speak up – I'm a little hard of hearing!"; "What's your name again?"; 

and "Do I know you from somewhere?"

Lone Ranger (again)

FOLLOWING last week's musical speculation about where the Lone 

Ranger takes his rubbish, reader George Hutchison asks: "What's the 

closest thing to Silver?"

Answer:  The Lone Ranger's backside.

Tailpiece

Theatrical agent: "What do you do?"

Performer: "Bird impersonations."

Theatrical agent: "Bird impersonators are ten a penny. It's not worth 

putting you on my books."

Performer: "Well, here's my card in case you change your mind."

At which he drops his trousers, lays an egg and flies out of the window.

Last word

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. 

Sir Winston Churchill