Underpants too tight
THEY were about to vote in the Canadian House of
Commons when MP Pat Martin suddenly dashed out of the
chamber, missing the vote.
Challenged on his return by a rival MP as to why he had
abstained, he said his underpants were too tight.
He said he had bought men's underwear at half-price. "But
it's clearly too small for me. I find it difficult to sit for any
length of time."
We're not told, but presumably he had been speaking, until
he managed to change his Y-fronts, in a high falsetto.
We've had more than enough distractions lately in our own
parliament. We don't need squeaky-voiced male MPs.
Maybe they should set up a committee to look into the issue
of tight underpants as well as red overalls and hard hats –
forestall the problem.
Now Muffy
RECENTLY we had the story of Sissy the Schnauzer who ran 20
blocks in a town in Iowa, in the US, to visit her owner in a hospital
she had never been to before.
A reader, who calls himself "Mell", says he had a dog, Muffy the
Mongrel, who did very much the same thing – twice.
It was the early 1950s. His family lived at Illovo Beach, on the
South Coast. Mell was in boarding school at Estcourt. His dad was
manager of the Moth Club in Old Fort Road.
Because of the distance between home and work, Dad had
accommodation at the club and often overnighted.
One July school holiday the family – mother, granny and Mell -
took a flat on the corner of Point Road and Rutherford Street.
Muffy moved in with Dad at the Moth Club.
The flat was a long way from Old Fort Road. Yet one morning as
he was heading for the beach, Mell met up with Muffy crossing
the road, obviously come to visit. Another time he found him in the
block of flats, sniffing around.
The only time he had ever been there before was in Dad's car.
Twice across the CBD – that's quite something. How do dogs
know?
History
PRESIDENT Jacob Zuma again gave us a history lesson in
Parliament last week about how South Africa's ills began with Jan
van Riebeeck. A reader sends in a British response to this.
"We had the same problems in England. First we had the Picts and
the Scots. And then came the Romans who stuck around for about
four centuries. Then we had the Angles and the Saxons and all
those other Germanic tribes.
"Then came the Danes and their Viking mates, a nauseating bunch
of horny, helmeted rapists and looters they were.
"The Danes were eventually displaced by the Normans who turned
out to be Frenchmen in disguise.
"And then the Dutch when William of Orange and Mary of Hanover
started causing nonsense with the Irish at the Battle of the Boyne.
"The Irish have never completely forgiven us so they came over
and settled all our building sites.
"Then the Germans came back again, surreptitiously, and
occupied the top of the Mall in Buckingham Palace.
"And where are we now? We have Arabs, Pakistanis, Indians,
Caribbeans, Syrians, Australians, Italians, Americans, Canadians,
Poles, Portuguese, Saudis , Kuwaitis, Moroccans, Egyptians,
Iranians, Palestinians, Israelis, Ethiopians, Somalis, Nigerians,
Zimbabweans, Scots (to run the government)... and (whoa!) South
Africans.
"It's been going on for 2 000 years. It's an outrage. And yet, and
yet... all these people (well most) have contributed to making
England and the English a great and democratic nation."
And here endeth the lesson for today.
Answer sheet
READER Eric Hodgson sends in an examination paper and
answer sheet, for which the candidate got 0%. Or was it 100%?
• Where was the American Declaration of Independence
signed? - At the bottom of the page.
• The River Ravi flows in which state? – Liquid.
• What is the main reason for divorce? – Marriage.
• What is the main reason for failure? – Exams.
• What can you never eat for breakfast? – Lunch or dinner.
• What looks like half an apple? – The other half.
• If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will
become? – Wet.
• How can a man go eight days without sleeping? - No
problem, he sleeps at night.
• How can you lift an elephant with one hand? - You will never
find an elephant that has one hand.
• If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and
four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would
you have? - Very large hands.
• If it took eight men 10 hours to build a wall, how long would
it take four men to build it? - No time at all, the wall is already
built..
• How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without
cracking it? - Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to
crack.
Jolted
AN EXPATRIATE Irishman writes in to say he and his pals are jolted
by a survey which finds the average Irishman has sex two or three
times a week, whereas with the Japanese it's only twice a year.
"Dis was upsettin' news to me and my friends. We had no idea we
wuz Japanese."
Tailpiece
First old soldier: "When did you last have a woman?"
Second old soldier: ""It was 1947."
First old soldier: "That's a long time ago."
Second old soldier: "Not really. It's only a quarter past eight now."
Last word
Anyone who has gumption knows what it is, and anyone who hasn't can
never know what it is. So there is no need of defining it.
LM Montgomery
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