Slapping the Swedes
THESE Australian crocodiles are getting very uppity. One slapped a Swedish tourist in the face the other day.
Felix Andersson and Ulrik Bergsland were swimming in a river in a national park in the Northern Territory when the croc leaped off a rock on the riverbank and whacked Felix across the face with its tail.
I'm not really surprised. Swedish tourists can be very tiresome. A tour guide of my acquaintance tells me he often feels like slapping them.
He says he once had been pleading with a Swedish woman not to keep wandering off the footpath while on a tour in Mpumalanga, when she wandered off again and was bitten by a puff adder. He had to drop everything and rush her to hospital.
She survived, he says, but the puff adder didn't. His prejudices against Swedish tourists might well have embellished this account, but there you are.
DADDY wouldn't buy me a bow-wow with President JZ waxing lyrical on the incompatibility of dogs, walkies and visits to the vet with African culture, Ann Waterson, of Amanzimtoti, is reminded of the man who wanted to take his dog with him for a stay in a small hotel.
He wrote: "I would like very much to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
The hotel owner replied:" I have been operating this hotel for many years. In all this time I have never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I have never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for drunk and disorderliness, and I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel and if your dog will vouch for you, you are welcome to stay too."
Dogs and men
MEANWHILE, a formulation comes this way that is totally at variance with the views of JZ. Dogs and men are actually the same because:
· Both take up too much space on the bed.
· Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
· Both mark their territory.
· Neither tells you what's bothering them.
· Neither does any dishes.
· Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
· Both like dominance games.
· Both are suspicious of the postman.
· Neither understands what you see in cats.
In fact, the lass who drew this up says, in some respects dogs are superior to men.
· They don't have problems expressing affection in public.
· They miss you when you're gone.
· They feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
· They admit when they're jealous.
· They're very direct about wanting to go out.
· They don't play games with you, except fetch (and then they never laugh at how you throw).
· You can train a dog.
· Dogs are easy to buy for.
· Dogs understand what "no" means.
· Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Do you think she's getting at us, fellas?
The matter zests
SOME New Year wordplay by Gray Braatvedt: "They say that you can't put the flavour back in the rind of a lemon. I tried. I just couldn't rezest it."
THREE sharks died and 16 people were injured by glass when an aquarium in a Shanghai shopping centre suddenly shattered, engulfing spectators in a wave of water that contained the sharks. Dozens of turtles and small fish also died.
Yes, this fixation with 3-D viewing has gone far enough.
THEY'VE been discovering all kinds of strange nunus in the Greater Mekong region of Vietnam. These include:
· A devilish bat that they have called Beelzebub's Tube-Nosed Bat.
· A frog that sings like a bird.
· A ruby-eyed pit viper.
· A walking catfish.
The Greater Mekong - just the place for a holiday, Gladys!
BLONDE on the riverbank: "Hallo-o-o-o! How do I get to the other side?"
Second blonde on opposite bank: "You're already there!"
What we become depends on what we read after all of the professors have finished with us. The greatest university of all is a collection of books.