City of no shame
DURBAN is owed R1.4 billion in unpaid traffic fines. The metro police have responded by naming and shaming the major culprits – including taxi fleet owners – but so far there has been little shame and no evidence of an avalanche of paid fines.
Eighteenth century Dublin faced a similar problem. Reader Brian Kennedy reports that Ireland's first official attempt to name and shame dodgers has come to light.
A rare book published in 1788, which has turned up at Mealy's auction house, contains a list of all private sedan chair owners in Georgian Dublin. It was published to pressure them into paying an annual charge of 45 shillings (R4.50) for the privilege of being carried around.
The portable chairs under cover – the equivalent of today's luxury limousine - were carried about on poles by two chairmen. They were very popular among lunching ladies who disliked walking in Dublin's dirty streets.
Instead of identifying who had not paid, the authorities decided to appeal to non-payers' "sense of shame". The non-payers would be named in three months. But there is no record of this ever having happened, so it seems to have worked.
What can we learn from this in Durban? It seems there's no sense at all of shame. But the metro police could at least convert the taxi licences to sedan chair licences. It would make the intersections so much safer, it would considerably reduce traffic violations and it would bring a degree of sedate decorum to our rushed lifestyle.
More monkeybiz
READER Val Johnson tells me the monkeys at Hillcrest, where her son lives, are getting above and beyond themselves.
She went into her son's kitchen and there was a monkey on the table, unscrewing a bottle of juice and taking swigs.
"Whatever next? Will it be the merlot? The chardonnay? The scotch? They're no longer safe on the drinks trolley. Should we provide glasses?"
I can tell her the monkeys on the Berea are probably worse. Just the other day I walked in on a large male watching TV in my sitting room, sipping a cognac and smoking a cheroot.
Val says she's thinking of trading in the parrot for a crowned eagle. Or maybe hiring some nudists to frighten these monkeys away.
I recommend she try a green laser, as mentioned a week or so ago. You train the beam on the blue bits of a male monkey. They turn a fluorescent turquoise and the entire troop skedaddles, shrieking in consternation.
Melting pot
KWAZULU-NATAL is a cultural and linguistic melting pot. Afrikaans, Zulu and Tamil have all contributed to the brand of English spoken here. Also Portuguese. A glossary comes this way of Portuguese usage:
· Cheese - Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
· Mushroom - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
· Shoulder - My friend wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
· Texas - My friend always Texas me when I'm not home, wondering where I'm at.
· Herpes - Me and my friend ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
· July - Ju told me ju were going to the store and July to me! Julyer!
· Rectum - I had two cars but my wife rectum.
· Chicken - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
· Wheelchair - We only have one prego left, but don't worry wheelchair.
· Chicken wing - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
· Bishop - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
· Budweiser - That woman over there has a nice body budweiser face so ugly?
THE POLICE stop a fellow driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back seat. They tell him he can't drive around with the penguins like that, he should take them to the zoo. He agrees.
Next day he's driving down the same road with 20 penguins in the back. He is stopped by the same police officer.
"Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo."
"I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
Last word
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
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