Desperate measures needed
BINGO! Is this the answer to the monkey problem? Mary Ann Grafetsberger, of South Beach, was struck by last week's piece about the folk running about in the nude in San Francisco and puts it together with my complaint about the monkeys running about in the nude on the rooftops in my neighbourhood.
She notes that no vervet monkeys are found in San Francisco and wonders if this is because they are offended by human nudity.
"It needs to be put to the test and if successful would be the best deterrent out there to unwanted naked vervets on the rooftops. However I am not sure whether we will find people willing to expose themselves in a naked state without offending the neighbours, never mind the monkeys. You may also attract a crowd of curious onlookers and even be thought insane."
Now I'm not sure if Mary Ann is volunteering for anything here. But it's very good thinking. We cannot afford to pass up any opportunity to resolve the monkey problem.
My proposal is that we should have a properly structured anti-monkey nudity campaign. On a given day all women should be required to go shopping, catch the buses and so forth - go about their normal daily tasks - absolutely in the nude.
Their menfolk should meanwhile be stationed on the front lawns with deckchairs, crates of beer and binoculars to observe the effect on the monkey population – which would no doubt be total panic.
From that we are likely to extract the kind of scientific data necessary to launch a sustained campaign against the suburban monkey menace. Let us not shrink from the task. Desperate times demand desperate measures.
Bike traveller
IANTHA Exall, of Glen Anil, sends in some clever verse under the title "Superbike!"
I went for a ride on my bike today
Over three hills and down to the bay.
I waved to the fishermen lined up on the pier
And they all waved at me as they saw me get near.
I pedalled on past
Right into the port
To look at the ships,
At least that's what I thought.
There was only one there
And its name made me panic
As in very large letters I read
The 'Titanic'.
She floated at quayside
With no sign of motion,
Not stuck in the sand
On the bed of the ocean.
The sight of her spooked me
So I picked up the pace,
I needed to get my head
Out of that place.
The next thing I knew
I was down in the park
With the Statue of Liberty
And old Noah's Ark.
I smiled at the animals
And they smiled at me,
The elephant and tiger
And the cute chimpanzee.
The Statue just stood there
Not blinking an eye,
I thought she might greet me
But perhaps she was shy.
My legs were now aching
And my backside was sore,
So I really was happy
To see my front door.
I have lots of adventures
On this special bike
And they're all in my head
So I go where I like.
It stands every day
On the patio floor,
It has a seat but no wheels,
My exercise bike allows me to roam
All over the world
Without leaving home.
Blitz piece
VARIETY is the essence of the St Clement's soirees. Tonight Margaret Logan, James Parker and Pieter Scholtz read Return Journey, a piece written for radio by Dylan Thomas, soon after he returned to Swansea and the devastation caused by a three-night bombing raid by the Luftwaffe.
It's an atmospheric bit of writing, made somewhat contemporaneous by events in the Middle East.
Tailpiece
EILEEN and Bob go for counselling after 25 years of marriage. Eileen launches into a bitter tirade on lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a list of unmet needs.
The therapist asks Eileen to stand. He embraces her, unbuttons her blouse, removes her bra, put his hands on her breasts and starts massaging while kissing her passionately. Bob watches with raised eyebrow.
Eileen buttons her blouse and sits down quietly.
Therapist: "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you manage that?"
Bob: "Well I can drop her off here Mondays and Wednesdays, but other days I play golf."
Last word
Societies in decline have no use for visionaries. - Anaïs Nin
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