No room to swing a cat
CCTV catches everything these days. The inhabitants of Ramsgate, Kent, in England, are outraged by footage that has emerged of a mystery man running past the Camden Arms pub, swinging a cat by its tail.
The landlord sent the footage – caught on the pub's cameras – to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, who gave it to the police.
The cat, identified as being named Mowgli and belonging to a woman who lives at the pub, is distressed but otherwise unharmed . But feelings are running high. Lynch law could take hold. The Brits are keen on their cats and don't like people who whirl them by the tail.
So much so that a man has already been to the police protesting his innocence, saying his neighbours have falsely accused him of being the culprit.
In Kent you don't mess with moggies. In the Camden Arms they're already discussing how, when they catch him, they're going to swing the culprit about in the high street. Delicacy forbids further detail.
IT'S AN OLD question: Why did the chicken cross the road? Tom Dennen sends in a few alternatives:
· Kindergarten teacher - To get to the other side..
· Plato - For the greater good.
· Policeman - Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll know why.
· Aristotle - It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
· Captain James T Kirk - To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
· Martin Luther King jnr - I envision a world where all chickens will be free
to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.
· Machiavelli - The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares
why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
· Freud - The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
· George W Bush - We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The
chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground
· Darwin - Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross
· Einstein - Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
· Thabo Mbeki - We need to establish if really there is a connection between
the chicken and the road.
· Isaac Newton - Any chicken in the universe shall always cross a road
perpendicularly to the side of the road, and in an infinitely long straight
line at uniform speed, unless the chicken stops due to an unbalanced
reactive force in the opposite direction of the chicken's motion .
AMERICAN football news. This fellow took his blonde girlfriend to watch her first game. Afterwards he asdked how she enjoyed it.
"Oh, I really liked it,especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'. I'm like ... Hello-o-o-o-o-o? It's only 25 cents."
A TEACHER asks the children in her class to make rhymes with their names.
Dan: "I'm Dan. When I grow up to be a man, I want to go to India and Japan , If I can, If I can, If I can."
Sally: "My name is Sally, When I grow up to be a lady, I want to have a baby, If I can, if I can, if I can."
Sam: "My name is Sam, When I grow up to be a man, never mind India and Japan , I'm gonna help Sally with her plan, I know I can!"
No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a dirty little beast.