Trees in the sky
WOODSMAN spare that tree … the world's first "forest in the sky" is being built in Italy. Two multi-storey blocks of flats under construction in Milan will have 730 trees – oaks and amelanchiers, some growing to 30 feet – sprouting from the balconies and rooftops. Five thousand shrubs and 11 000 ground plants will add to the greenery.
The Bosco Verticale ("Vertical Forest") is a step toward attaining the Green City environment of the future – harnessing wind and solar energy and recycling waste to the ultimate. The shade provided by the trees will reduce energy needs. The buildings will be the equivalent of a hectare of forest, absorbing carbon dioxide.
Mind you, Bosco Horizontale is pretty impressive as well. This is my humble abode on the Berea where the roof gutterings hold a profusion of bugweed and other carbon dioxide-absorbers and wild figs have taken root in every crevice, providing habitat for a range of bird and animal life. Moss grows all over.
Some call it idleness but you have to work with nature, not against.
Get me Jack
CALL CENTRES are a feature of our times. Some fascinating conversations get recorded there. A selection follows:
· Caller: "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to inquiries. Can you help?".
Operator:"Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Caller: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre."
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."
· Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about. "
Caller: "On Page 1, Section 5, of the User Guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall."
· Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
· Caller: "If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
· Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please."
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."
· Caller: "I'm looking for a knitwear company in Woven."
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland."
· On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
· Technical Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop. "
Customer: "OK".
Technical Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Technical Support: "OK. Right-click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Technical Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.''
· Technical Support: "OK. In the bottom left-hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
· Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"
I'm not sure quite what the point is of all this. They sound perfectly reasonable questions to me.
Utter cad
DID YOU HEAR about the utter cad who entered his girlfriend's name as "Battery Flat" on his cellphone. If his wife picked it up when she phoned, she would just plug it in for recharging. No problem.
Tailpiece
A PRIEST notices a dead baboon in the street. He goes to the police station to report it.
"Did you administer the last rites?" asks a cocky constable behind the desk.
"No, I thought I'd better inform the next of kin."
Last word
The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him.
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