Dialogue of our digital age
WE ARE ALL of us enslaved by digital technology. Computer illiteracy and unfamiliarity with digital-speak are a shameful cause for derision. Many of us feel inadequate. But this is to look at it from the point of view of those of us who grew up in the pre-digital age. Let's be fair. Let's look at it also from the position of those who grew up with digital technology. They too have their frustrations.
Here is actual recorded dialogue between a WordPerfect Customer Support Service employee and a customer calling in.
Operator: "Computer Assistance, may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble?"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing?"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark?"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not?"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power ... a power failure? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Operator: "Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!"
The employee apparently got fired for being rude to a customer. Here surely is a case of wrongful dismissal. He deserves a medal instead.
March of medicine
BREAKTHROUGH AT THE Albert Luthuli Medical School – they've discovered that lawyers are the larvael stage of politicians.
Ensemble
WHAT do you call somebody who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
Tailpiece
A PRETORIA man goes to a gynaecologist's rooms in Church Street, in response to an advertisement for an assistant who will have to help patients out of their underwear, get them ready for examination and get them relaxed by rubbing in soothing oils.
The receptionist tells him: "If you're interested, you'll have to go to Bloemfontein."
"Bloemfontein? Is that where the job is?".
"No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is."
Last word
So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work.
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