Ordeal by Scrabble
THREE Russians, a Frenchman, an Italian-Colombian and a Chinese ... no, it's not one of those jokes, nor did they walk into a bar. They stepped into a space capsule at a Moscow research centre and spent 520 days there – still on the ground – simulating a flight to Mars and back.
This seems a considerable advance on the fellow in Zambia in the 70s who trained his budding astronauts by rolling them down the hillside in 44-gallon drums, but it also appears to be not quite a quantum leap ahead. They were nowhere near Mars. They were still on the ground.
But it seems the idea was to simulate the confinement, stress and fatigue of interplanetary travel, not actually get there. They kept in touch with their families via the internet, which was deliberately delayed and interrupted to imitate the effects of distant space travel. They emerged in good spirits, all the same.
Three Russians, a Frenchman, an Italian-Colombian and a Chinese, confined together for 520 days and nights – that's going on for two years. Imagine the arguments over the Scrabble board.
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African thriller
STAND by for a Christmas thriller set in the turbulence of a decolonised Africa, a decomposed Soviet Union and all kinds of machinations – including deployment of nuclear weaponry - to restore the past. My contacts in the literary world tell me that The Darts of Deceit, published as an e-book by Rebel e-Publishers, will be out later this month or early in December.
It's written by none other than my old colleague, Wilf Nussey, once editor of the Argus Africa News Service, which had offices in Johannesburg, Salisbury (as it then was), Dar–es-Salaam, Nairobi, Luanda and Accra, as well as a network of correspondents across the whole continent.
If anyone knew what was going on in Africa, it was Wilf. A lanky figure known in the Portuguese territories as Senhor Stringbean, the world's senior foreign correspondents made a point of calling on him for a briefing before they entered the maelstrom of central and southern Africa in the 1970s and 1980s. Often they would have to wait a while because Wilf was no desk wallah; he would spend weeks at a time deep in the bush of Mozambique or Angola, analysing the guerrilla wars there, speaking late at night in the army messes, over the aguadente, to Portuguese officers.
He was one of the few to be unsurprised when General Antonio de Spinola deposed the Salazar dictatorship in a military coup in Lisbon in 1974, starting a process of decolonisation that became turmoil as the Soviets opportunistically intervened. (The coup also put we Africa Service hacks into orbit as we scrambled to cover it all).
Yes, if anyone is to write a novel set in the turbulence of decolonised Africa, Wilf is the man. He has had access to a wealth of material – an array of colourful characters: wheeler-dealers, chancers, womanisers, drunks. And that's just the foreign press corps. There are also the agents and spooks of the KGB, CIA and MI6; the international criminals and money launderers; the hangers-on and political pimps; the warlords and gunmen. And the actual drama of it all. It's a powerful mixture.
This should be a good 'un. I look forward to reading it.
Baggage handlers
MORE from the latest grumpy newsletter of investment analyst Dr James Greener:
"Who knew that there was an organisation called the Airports Council International and that they have just held a 'gala dinner in Marrakesh'? At this no doubt glittering event, paid for by taxpayers and air travellers, both OR Tambo and King Shaka international airports were inducted onto the organisation's 'Roll of Excellence'. It is a pity that the report of this accolade appeared right next to one about how 75 percent of the baggage handlers at these places arrive at work intent on stealing stuff from the suitcases they are paid to load."
Tailpiece
A WOMAN goes into a hardware shop. "I want an axe please. It's for my husband."
"Did he say what weight he wants?"
"Heck, no! He doesn't even know I'm gonna kill him!"
Last word
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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