Blue to turquoise
THE CAMPAIGN against suburban monkeys has gone high-tech. I was chatting the other evening to a fellow who has invested in a green laser torch, sold to him at the Essenwood fleamarket as a failsafe weapon against monkeys.
He says the sale was clinched when the stallholder shone the laser at an old folks' home across the road, and two pensioners immediately dived out of the windows. (Though I take this with a pinch of salt. This fellow is notorious for embroidering things).
Back home, monkeys were running riot in the garden. He produced the green laser. The results were, er, not exactly startling. Not at first anyway. The monkeys would pluck at their fur where the green dot appeared. When he shone the laser at a tree branch, they would pluck at the dot there.
But then he focused the laser beam on that portion of the dominant male's anatomy that is coloured a bright blue. It turned a fluorescent turquoise, which drove the entire troop into immediate panic and confusion. They skedaddled.
That's his story anyway. As I say, this fellow tends to embroider.
Sexy Kim
THE ONION has done it again. The American satirical website recently ran a spoof item naming the doughy-faced North Korean leader, Kim-Jong-un, as "the sexiest man alive."
It got picked up by the People's Daily, official newspaper of the Chinese Communist Party, which lifted the material from the website to run a 55-page online photo feature on Kim.
"With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-born heart-throb is every woman's dream come true. Blessed with an air of power that masks an unmistakable cute, cuddly side, Kim made this newspaper's editorial board swoon with his impeccable fashion sense, chic short hairstyle and, of course, that famous smile."
In response, The Onion has posted another item: "For more coverage, please visit our friends at the People's Daily in China, a proud Communist subsidiary of The Onion, Inc. Exemplary reportage, comrades."
This is, of course, highly irresponsible and lamentable. Don't these lickspittle, capitalist-imperialist running dogs realise that socialist life is serious?
Crimson tide
I was down on Bondi pier
With a tube of ice-cold beer
And a bucketful of prawns upon my knee.
I swallowed my last prawn,
Had a technicolor yawn
And I chundered in the old Pacific sea …
COULD this ballad of the good life in Australia explain the red algae bloom that has caused the closing of the famous Bondi beach to bathing?
The crimson tide has come close to shore and swimmers have been told to steer clear because it can cause serious skin irritation.
Stone the flamin' crows, mate!
Try Durban
A CHICAGO woman has racked up parking fines of more than $105 000 (R840 000) on a car she says she does not even own.
Jennifer Fitzgerald's former boyfriend bought a used car from her uncle for $600 in 2008, but registered it in her name without her knowledge.
When they broke up, the boyfriend abandoned the 1999 Chevy Monte Carlo at O'Hare Airport, where he worked. That was three years ago. Since then the car has attracted 678 parking tickets.
The city council says Miss Fitzgerald must pay up and has suspended her driver's licence. But she's fighting it. According to the law, the car should have been towed away after just 30 days, but it was moved to the airport pound only a month ago.
She should come to Durban. Among R1.5 billion in uncollected traffic fines, R840 000 would not even be noticed.
Dog whistle
HAVE you ever wondered how a dog whistle works? Here's how.
You blow hard into the thing. No sound is produced. But your dog runs up to you barking.
Why? He thinks you've gone insane, blowing into a whistle that doesn't work. He wants you to stop making a fool of yourself.
Tailpiece
THREE old codgers are being tested for mental agility. The doctor asks the first old man: "What is three times three?"
"Two hundred and seventy-four."
The doctor passes to the second old man: "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday."
The doctor tries the third: "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine."
"Great! How did you get that?"
"Easy. I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
Last word
Bore, n: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
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