Monkeys in the CBD
THE VERVET monkeys are moving from the suburbs into the CBD. Mary Ann Grafetsberger, indefatigable campaigner on behalf of monkeys and their rights, tells of an encounter with one of the little fellas down at city hall (where she apparently works).
The monkey suddenly appeared inside the city hall (he'd probably come to pay his rates), causing some consternation. She phoned Steve Smit, of Durban Monkey Helpline, who said she should find some bananas fast.
She rushed across to the fruit sellers for a bunch, but next thing the monkey was up on the city hall roof. Mary Ann followed him there – rather a precarious exercise – enticing him ("I know it was a him because of the blue bits") with a banana down into the stairwell.
An almost romantic scene ensued, the monkey gazing dreamily and lovingly into Mary Ann's eyes as she fed him slices of banana until Steve Smit arrived to catch him and release him into a safe environment. All's well that ends well.
Mary Ann says the monkeys are just teasing me by fiddling with my DSTV dish and stealing my grapes. They actually get a big kick out of reading about their antics. I suppose she would know.
I'm rather miffed. She's never offered me a banana.
Antlers
A FEMALE reader quotes the Alaska Department of Fish and Game. While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, has to be a girl.
"We should have known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost."
The gals make their point rather vigorously these days.
Python dance
ANDREW Dale pens some lines on the young lady, mentioned recently, who used to dance with a python in Durban in days of yore.
There was once a young girl whose delight
Was to strip with a snake night by night.
The python was just
To envelop her bust,
Though the cover the tail gave was slight.
Houdini
CALL IN THE Texas Rangers! Police at a place called White Settlement, near Fort Worth, had arrested a man for suspected burglary, handcuffed him and left him alone in the back seat of their patrol car for a few minutes.
While they were gone this fellow managed to wind down the window, open the door, get out, get in through the driver's door, start the car then make a break for it – steering and changing gear with handcuffed wrists.
Another patrol car gave chase but couldn't catch him. The stolen police car was found abandoned in Fort Worth. But the suspect is still at large.
An eyewitness describes the incident as "better than the Keystone Kops."
Yep, this case rates with John Wesley Hardin, Sam Bass and Bonnie and Clyde. Definitely one for the Texas Rangers.
Polish joke
POLISH workmen who were hired to renovate an 18th century French chateau and demolish an outbuilding in the grounds got things the wrong way round. The Chateau de Bellevue, near Bordeaux, has been reduced to rubble and the outbuilding is looking pretty spruce.
Inhabitants of the nearby village of Yvrac are dismayed and outraged. The Russian businessman owner of the chateau – who was away at the time – is also shocked but has undertaken to replicate it, brick by brick. He has hired an architect from Paris to supervise.
Perhaps this is a hazard of an integrating Europe. You never know when you're going to run into a Polish joke.
Visible from space
OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-40s: "There are only three man-made structures on earth that are visible from outer space. Two are in China and one is in Africa. They are the Great Wall of China, the three Gorges Dam and Jacob Zuma's residence at Nkandla.";
Tailpiece
MY IDIOT neighbour knocked on my door at 2am. But I didn't let him in. I mean, who turns up at a party wearing dressing gown and slippers?
Last word
A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
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