Yuletide correspondence
CHRISTMAS is a season of hope and expectation; a time when the highest of human sentiments can sometimes mingle with the gross as material considerations intrude. Consider this exchange between a little boy named Timmy Jones and dear old Santa Claus.
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
* *
Mr Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you, I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *
Mr Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very truly yours,
S Claus
* *
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends
into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys And we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. Whatever I want, man!
T-Bone
* *
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, Genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got you wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. Chew on that, Petunia!
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy.
* *
Timmy,
That's what I thought, you little bastard!
Santa
Tailpiece
AN AMERICAN golfer comes to South Africa to play on the world's only Big Five course. The caddie carries not just the golf bag but a shotgun.
The American tees off and hooks the ball into the bush. He goes after it and then a shot rings out. A huge black mamba lands right on him out of the treetops, blown apart.
Next hole he slices into the bush. As he goes after the ball another shot rings out. There is a bush pig stone dead, with tusks that would have ripped him apart.
Then he tees off into a water hazard. He wades in after the ball and is grabbed by a crocodile. The caddie stands and watches.
"Shoot the thing!"
"Sorry, sir. You don't get a shot this hole."
Last word
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
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