Time to THINK BIG
AT LAST the council is considering utilising the dead ground occupied in the city by golf courses – places of elitism and torrents of foul language whenever anyone duffs a shot. They can be put to much better use.
Let's have no sentimental nonsense about green lungs in the urban setting; breeding grounds of plovers and Egyptian geese and that kind of thing; places where dogs can be walked in the evenings. Nor indeed provincial, national and international golf tournaments.
Life is real, life is earnest. The thing is to THINK BIG.
Take Royal Durban. The architects/planners are already falling over themselves to devise alternative usage.
One scheme is to retain the Greyville race track; to build inside it a smaller dog-racing track; then to build inside that a go-kart track – smaller and smaller concentric circles.
Then, in the space still remaining, to build a replica of Moses Mabhida Stadium (possibly with a miniature golf course adjoining, to satisfy the sentimentalists).
Says the architect concerned: "We have to THINK BIG. We need dog-racing as an economic add-on to horseracing. Go-karting has been disgracefully neglected over the years. And if we want the world to take us seriously as a football centre and international football destination, we need not one but two giant football stadiums."
Asked if Durban would not be biting off a bit much when Moses Mabhida is already a financial catastrophe, he said: "Have you never heard the story of Bruce and the spider? When at first you don't succeed, try and try and try again."
Another local architect THINKS EVEN BIGGER. He wants to build a giant stadium to cover the entire area of Royal Durban Golf Course, make Moses Mabhida look like a miniature.
"This will be a Wonder of the Modern World," he says. "People will flock here from every corner of the earth, just to marvel at the magnificence of it."
Asked how people could possibly watch a football match from a stadium that size, he laughed: "Have you never heard of a three-ring circus? We could have Kaizer Chiefs versus AmaZulu at one end, the Sharks versus the Bulls at the other and in between the local regiments staging the military tattoo. Bang! Bang! You've got to THINK BIG!"
Meanwhile, I'm told there could be other plans. Certain interests are eager to buy Greyville/Royal Durban, Windsor Park, Country Club and Papwa Sewgolum and convert them all into film sets – as long as the price is right.
The debate begins. Fore!
Unicorn find
NORTH Korea has proved the existence of the unicorn. The official state news agency says archaeologists have "reconfirmed" the existence of a unicorn lair in Pyongyang, once used by an ancient Korean king.
The archaeologists spotted a rectangular rock carved with the words "unicorn lair", 200m from the city's Yongmyong temple. The find tallies with information in 16th century history books about King Yonmyong riding a unicorn.
I've always felt we somewhat underrate North Korea. Perhaps people will now start taking the place seriously.
ABC
READER Eric Hodgson says the coming generation will learn the alphabet this way: A for Apple; B for Blackberry; C for Chatting; D for Downloading; E for e-mail; F for Facebook; G for Google; H for Hotmail; I for I-pod; J for Java; K for Kaspersky; L for Laptop; M for Message; N for Nero; O for Opera; P for Player; Q for Quicktime; R for RAM; S for Samsung;T for Twitter; U for USB; V for Vista; W for Wi-fi; X for Xp ; Y for Youtube; Z for Zoom.
Well at least it's still A for Apple, he says.
Tailpiece
AN OLD COWHAND notices a dustcloud approaching from the north. As it gets close, he sees it's caused by a big, rough-looking cowboy riding a grizzly bear and lashing it with a rattlesnake. The big cowboy jumps off and says" "Gimme somethin' to eat, I'm starvin'!"
The old-timer indicates a pot of beans and a pot of coffee bubbling on the fire. The stranger grabs the pot of beans and throws the scalding contents down his throat in one gulp. Then he takes the boiling coffee off the fire and throws it back in one gulp. Then he jumps back on the grizzly.
"Sorry I gotta eat an' run. I got a bad son-of-a-bitch chasin' me!"
Last word
I can believe anything, provided that it is quite incredible.
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