Hi-tech gadgets – zzzz ...
SOMETHING tells me they're running out of ideas at the Consumer Electronics
Show in Las Vegas. Among the avalanche of revolutionary technology paraded
this year were:
• A driverless car whose headlights change colour, depending whether a human
or a computer is in charge.
• A wearable tech feature that tells you if you've eaten anything without
doing exercise to work off the calories.
• A food printer that pipes melted chocolate or dough into designs and
messages.
• A voice-controlled television remote which allows users to swipe through
their television as if it were a touchscreen (whatever all that might mean).
• Digitalised rollerskates that allow you to effortlessly walk at 7km/h.
• A transparent window screen (Did you ever know a non-transparent window?)
• A cellphone that allows you to turn your house lights on and off.
Phooey! None of this compares with my state-of-the-art cellphone that, when
you crank the little handle, gets you through to the Nkandla exchange and
then Mac Maharaj, who gives you the lowdown on Nkandla's bid for the next
Commonwealth Games plus plans for the next Winter Olympics on the slopes of
Kranskop.
I'd take it to the Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas, except I don't like to show
up Panasonic and the rest of them who are trying so hard.
Foundling pooch
A DOG has been found tied to a railing at a station in Ayr, Scotland, along with a
suitcase containing his belongings – including a pillow, a toy, food and a bowl.
More than 100 people from as far afield as California and Tennessee have
phoned the Scottish SPCA offering a home to Kai, a shar-pei crossbreed, since
the story got about.
Who could do that to a dog?
And who named him Kai, anyway? Oscar or Ernest would be much more
appropriate. The dog's abandonment seems to parallel the experience of Oscar
Wilde's character Ernest who, in The Importance of Being Earnest, was found as
a baby in a Gladstone bag at Victoria station, in London.
Rain stops play
CHRIS Taylor, normally a commentator on matters pertaining to cricket, turns
his attention to rainfall and the puzzlement expressed by Brian Kennedy at the
way Durban's quoted average remains constant even though the actual rainfall
measured is below that, year after year.
"I have kept records for the last 30 years and I am as puzzled as he is. The
rainfall published most times bears no relation to my readings which
I believe means that the rainfall in different parts of Durban varies considerably.
"For example, the last storm on December 31 I recorded 36mm. Published in the
Mercury: 14mm.
"Brian reckons 2014 gave us 546mm – I recorded 676mm."
I dunno, chaps. It never rains but it pours.
Music quiz
FOLLOWING on from yesterday's "Last word" on the William Tell Overture
and the Lone Ranger – where does the Lone Ranger take his rubbish?
To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump ...
Payback time
IAN Gibson, poet laureate of Hillcrest, pens some lines of felicitation at the nuptials of
Julius Malema.
Congrats to Julius and his lovely honey,
Whilst some may differ, she thinks he's yummy;
So when they settle down,
After painting the town,
Together they'll shout: 'PAY BACK THE MONEY!'
Tailpiece
The telephone company needs to hire two more telephone
pole installers. The choice comes down to a pair
from Poland and a pair of Irishmen.
The boss says to both teams: "Here's what we'll do. Each team
will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The
team that installs the most poles gets the job."
Both teams head right out.
When the two Polish guys report back, the boss asks how
many they installed. They said it was tough going but they'd
put in 12.
Forty-five minutes later, Paddy and Mick come back in, totally
whacked.
"Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
Mick wipes his brow and sighs: "Paddy and me, we got three
in. "
The boss gasps: "Three? Those two Polish blokes put in 12."
"Yeah, but did ya see how much dey left stickin' outa de
ground."
Last word
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When
you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
George Carlin
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