The Idler, Friday, February 13

In love with rugby

TOMORROW is a day on which we forgo the deluge of valentines from the lovelies 

and sally forth to King's Park for the start of yet another season, with Twickers and 

the World Cup something more than a mirage on the distant horizon.

Free State is the foe. It should be an encounter in which our fellows demonstrate that 

they have rid themselves of the constipation which gave our Super Rugby a great 

sluggishness last season.

Let us show dash and verve - Lambie and Reinach playing their natural game; 

everyone running into space, short passing, the game as it should be played.

John Smit wants to put bums on seats? Running, handling rugby is a great start. 

That's what packed King's Park over the decades.

And let us by no means ignore St Valentine's Day. It's a day for the lovelies. Cossack 

dancing on the bar counter of the Duikers'Club will give way eventually to soulful 

renditions of those traditional romantic numbers, Girls Were Made To Hug And Kiss

and There Is Nothing Like A Dame.

The Sharks have been in heavy training. So have the choristers.

Banana Boy

READER Hugh Ahrens – who describes himself as a long-time 

season ticket holder and ardent Banana Boy – says the rugby 

authorities seem to be missing a few things when they talk of 

"putting bums on seats" at King's Park.

Super rugby no longer has the emphasis on matches against 

overseas teams it once had. Instead under the "conference" 

system, we have "local derbies" which belong in the Currie Cup – 

which itself has been devalued by removing the Springbok players.

As for the 5pm and 7pm matches – "They really excite those 

supporters who used to travel from Zululand, the South Coast and 

the Midlands.before hitting the long road home after the game. I 

don't see too many of them around the park any more."

Quite. A fellow told me he'd given up his tickets because a 5pm or 

7pm game meant putting the dogs into kennels in Howick and he 

and the missus checking into a B&B in Durban.

Bums on seats? Those bums and those seats are in front of the 

flatscreens in the sports bars of Kokstad and Kwambonambi

Big names

 "HE'S very young, but he could definitely become the next Bismarck" – so says 

Lions coach of hooker Malcolm Marx.

Well, Bismarck du Plessis has already shown himself to be an Iron Chancellor. What 

kind of Marx will the young Lions hooker become?

Most of us would probably prefer Groucho to Karl, but then can anyone imagine 

either of them on a rugby field?

No, names really have nothing to do with it.

Tannies

IF YOU'RE making astonishing progress with that sensational new barmaid, and 

you'd rather the information was not bruited abroad, don't chat her up in front of 

your new Samsung TV.

It seems Samsung's "smart" TVs listen in as assiduously as the tannies on 

the old party lines. People's conversation is translated into text and stored in a 

central computer.

Samsung has taken the step of warning people against discussing "sensitive and 

private information" in the vicinity of its TV sets.

Is this not the kind of thing George Orwell warned against? Institutionalised 

eavesdropping, I mean, not sensational barmaids.

Attic operators

THE big freeze-up in Europe is hitting the cannabis growers of the 

Netherlands. The plants are grown mainly in attics at temperatures 

maintained above the surrounding mean.

With most roofs covered in snow, it's a dead giveaway if the 

snow has melted. The Dutch police have been pouncing on attic 

operators all over the place.

It's odd that in the Netherlands it should not be illegal to possess 

cannabis yet definitely illegal to grow it.

It's not known what the effects, if any, of the freeze-up are on the 

gals of the Kanalzone. This requires further research.

Tailpiece

THIS fellow finds in his attic an old violin and an old oil painting. He 

takes them in to be valued.

"You know what you've got here?" says the antiques leader. "A 

Stradivarius and a Rembrandt."

"Wow! Worth a fortune!"

"Unfortunately not. Rembrandt made the violin and Stradivarius 

painted the picture."

Last word

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score? 

Vince Lombardi