Distant perfumed days
Gorgeous George – that's what the media are calling Prince George,
toddler son of Prince William and Kate and third in line to the British
throne. It comes with the release of some pictures of the bonny lad.
Georgeous George – many years ago there was somebody else by that
name. He was a professional wrestler who had his hair permed and used a
lot of rouge and mascara in his fight preparation.
He would climb into the ring spraying himself with perfume, to the noisy
consternation of the fans. Then when he sprayed his opponent before
deigning to grapple with him, the game was well and truly on.
Gorgeous George – but I think there's no connection.
Spreadsheets
INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener calls in his latest grumpy
newsletter for computer spreadsheets to keep track of what is going on in
the parastatals.
"Presumably someone somewhere is keeping a spreadsheet that tracks the
procession of clowns as they rotate through the posts of chairman, board
member, CEO, COO, CFO and security guard at the many parastatals.
"A second worksheet will be needed to join the lines of patronage, family
ties and cronyism. And a third will be useful for recording the lies and
deceits about education, experience, achievement and performance.
"Any idea of keeping a record of the flows of money in unusual
directions will collapse because most of the numbers will cause overflow
errors."
Bargains galore
WHAT a Christmas for the e-commerce punters. In Britain, people
scanning Amazon for bargains found all kinds of items – including digital
software – that should have been priced around £50 (R585) going for one
penny (17 cents).
It was a computer glitch. But meanwhile there was nothing wrong with
the despatch function and before too long people were receiving the
bargains they'd bought at a penny a piece.
Ho, ho, ho!
Lexophilia
YOU can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish. To write with a broken pencil is
pointless.
These are examples of lexophilia. Some others:
• When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles UCLA.
• Police were summoned to a daycare centre where a three-
year-old was resisting a rest.
Lexophilia rules – OK!
Poor taste
PAT McKrill, of Camperdown (or Camperdown, down, down! As
he calls it in this festive season) agrees there was something very
distasteful about the Discovery Channel's much-hyped attempt
to screen naturalist Paul Rosalie being swallowed alive by an
anaconda in the Amazon rainforest.
"No credit to Discovery for contemplating such a stunt which had
no value whatsoever except to give a rush to what is hopefully a
very small minority of very sick people."
He suggests they instead wrap Rosalie in cows' intestines and
throw him in the Amazon to test the piranhas. Or maybe get him to
ride a motorcycle into a wall at 200km/h.
"And if that doesn't blow the audience's hair back, they could do a
six-part series on him eating himself alive, using just a knife and
fork. The last episode would be a cliffhanger!"
No, the snake wasn't the brightest production idea.
Victoriana
MANY of us appreciate Victoriana – the architecture, furnishings,
artefacts. They have a grace and an appeal. Maritzburg, the provincial
capital, is particularly rich in this Victorian heritage.
Yet over in England there's a movement for preserving Victoriana that
seems just overboard. Dotted all over the place are the now skeletal
remains of the gigantic Victorian gas holders that were part of the
infrastructure in those days of street lighting and the heating of homes.
One stands beside The Oval, London's second cricket venue after Lord's,
and always a ghastly disfigurement of the locality.
Now there's a campaign for the gas holders to be preserved as part of the
Victorian heritage, instead of being dismantled to make way for housing.
Totally crazy.
Tailpiece
A TOUGH old cowboy from Sundance, Wyoming, counselled
his grand-daughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the
secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal
every morning.
She did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-
grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a huge crater
where the crematorium used to be.
Last word
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Herbert Hoover
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