Saturday, February 21, 2015

The Idler Monday, January 5, 2015

Slowed-down snail mail

THE postal workers strike has caused a slowdown in services over recent 

months. Donough McGillycuddy, of Himeville, shares with us a letter he 

sent to the head honchos of the postal service in Pretoria.

"Approximately two months ago I found four letters in my mailbox. 

Three had taken 27 months, one 11 months, to cover the 5km from 

Underberg to Himeville.

"I have shown the four letters to our excellent postmistress in Underberg. 

She expressed astonishment and sincere apologies. I completed one of the 

red information cards about the matter and mailed it to 'The Postmaster, 

Pietermaritzburg'. It has never been acknowledged.

"I posted 20 Aero World letters and a dozen Christmas cards to friends in 

Ireland and England on December 12 and doubt their being appropriately 

handled by South African Post Office. None of the addressees to whom I 

have spoken during the Christmas holiday period have received anything 

from me.

"The only stamps available for 'small letter overseas' were the Big Five 

issue at R7.30 each. The rate is R7. Therefore I paid a 4.3% premium 

over the proper cost."

Donough – who hails from ould Ireland – received a single Christmas 

card from England and nothing at all from Ireland.

Ho, ho, ho! His letter to the honchos in Pretoria wouldn't have got there, 

so he can hardly blame them. Nor would his card to the Postmaster, 

Pietermaritzburg, which is much further from Himeville than Underberg.

If it takes 27 months for a letter to get 5km from Underberg to Himeville, 

his card to the Postmaster, Pietermaritzburg, is still on its way. He must 

just be patient for another five years or so.

Is this acceptable? I cranked the little handle on my trusty up-to-the-
minute cellphone and in no time was through to the Nkandla exchange. 

Next I was on the line to Mac Maharaj (plus 30 or so listeners-in on the 

party line), who assured me that the postal fiasco is getting presidential 

attention.

A team of runners is in heavy training between Kranskop, Qudeni Hill 

and Nkandla, while tenders are being called for the cutting of a stockpile 

of cleft sticks from the Nkandla forest.

That's a big relief. Delivery time between Underberg and Himeville 

should be cut to 45 minutes or so. We will be world leaders in postal 

services. If we were Chinese we would call 2015 the Year of the Great 

Leap Forward.

Patience, Donough, patience everyone. Things are on the move.

Diary dates

INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener says in his first grumpy 

newsletter of the New Year that a spark seems to be missing from the 

visiting West Indies side.

"A pity really. Oh well, one can still watch with half an eye while 

updating the new diary with the Grand Prix dates and the two world cup 

schedules.

"This year has a great deal of potential to either raise or crush our spirits 

while seated on the TV couch. Two world cups and the Afcon trophy in 

the cupboard by year end is an exciting prospect."

These investment analysts have their priorities right.

Polish waterfall

READER Dave Dobbin notes our photograph last Monday showing 

people swimming in the pool beneath Podgorna waterfall in 

Przesieka, Poland, the water at a temperature of – 7 degrees C.

"Just an idle query - If the temperature of the Podgorna pool water 

is -7C, why isn't it frozen?"

Good question. I suppose there are two possible answers.

One is that the Podgorna waterfall flows not with water but with 

vodka – or wodka, as they call it in Poland – and alcohol freezes 

at a lower temperature than water. The Poles are a wonderfully 

inventive people.

The other (admittedly somewhat prosaic) is that the news agency 

got it wrong and the water was actually at 7 degrees above 

freezing.

But well spotted, sir!

Tailpiece

GALLAGHER opens the morning newspaper and is dumbfounded to read his own 

obituary. He quickly phones his best friend, Finney.

"Did yez see de paper? Dey say I died!"

"Yes, I saw it. Where are yez callin' from?"

Last word

I'm glad I didn't have to fight in any war. I'm glad I didn't have to pick up a 

gun. I'm glad I didn't get killed or kill somebody. I hope my kids enjoy the 

same lack of manhood. 

Tom Hanks

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