WE HAVE women's soccer and women's rugby – not
traditionally feminine pursuits but you hardly dare whisper it for
fear of being caught up in something as intimidating as an ill-
humoured ruck with the ref looking the other way.
That's sport. Now there's discussion as to whether women
should serve on the front line in the armed forces – grenades,
up and at 'em, give the bastards the bayonet!
In Britain, there's a campaign for the gals to be allowed to get
to grips with the enemy, go for the jugular. The Secretary for
Defence is reading up on a "physiology" document – whether
women are robust enough for infantry work in the front line –
before he gives a final decision.
The US and the Australian military already allow women to
serve in the front line. It's not clear what the position is here
but judging from deployments into trouble spots in Africa, the
front line appears to be still all male.
It's a very sensitive issue. A string of lovelies have been on
British TV saying of course women have what it takes for front
line service, physical toughness included.
Of course, nobody dares (as with soccer and rugby) to
suggest that it's somehow unladylike to hurl softening-up
grenades then go over the top and bayonet the bastards in the
gut. That would be to invite a lynch mob.
The nearest thing to criticism came from a fellow. He
wondered whether women have the "killer instinct"?
And bingo! One knew instantly he was both right and wrong.
Anyone who has been in an argument with a girl will know the
meaning of the word "overkill". Many just don't know when to
stop.
Put them in the front line and we could have atrocities that get
us into trouble under the Geneva Convention. Recruit from
places like the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties and rapine
could be added to the charge sheet.
The military brass hats across the world need to think very
seriously about this. We're in enough conflict without giving it
an extra twist.
Veggie punch-up
POLICE had to be called to a parish council meeting in
Lancashire, England, after fisticuffs broke out over the issue of
allotments.
Allotments are small strips of ground on which townsfolk are
allowed to grow their own fruit and veggies. It's a system
that began during World War II and has continued since, the
participants absolutely obsessed with producing the biggest
pumpkin or whatever for harvest festival.
Feelings run high over allotments and vegetable gardening.
At a recent meeting of Briercliffe with Extwistle Parish Council,
feelings overflowed and they started slugging it out.
Somebody filmed the melee and put it on the internet. Now
they're thinking of selling tickets for the next meeting.
Seasonal lines
VOCATIONAL speaker and writer of verse Sarita Mathur gives us
some lines to mark the season:
It's the start of the silly season,
And everyone's all smiles .
It's Ubuntu and togetherness
Christmas cheer and extra miles;
Gift buying and extra treats,
Family dinners and big feasts.
It's the start of the Christmas season
Happiness is here to stay,
New Year and good resolutions,
Yes, Father Christmas will keep it that way.
In Durban and South Africa
Great things will come our way,
New Year and new beginnings
Wonderful events and good fortune,
There is no other way.
Tailpiece
SERGEI the Russian and Ole the Norwegian are set for the Olympic gold medal.
Wrestling bout. Ole's coach says: "Just don't let him get you in the pretzel hold. If he
does, you're finished.".
The bout begins. The wrestlers circle each other. The Russian lunges. Next thing he
has Ole in the pretzel hold. The coach buries his face in his hands.
Then suddenly a scream. Then a cheer from the crowd. The coach looks up to see
Sergei the Russian flying through the air. He lands with a thud and Ole is on him,
pinning him down. The fight is over.
In the dressing room afterwards he asks: "How did you get out of the pretzel.
Nobody's ever managed before."
"Vell, I vas about to yiff up. Zen I see zese testicles in front uff my face. I yiff a big
bite."
"And that finished him?"
"Not qvite. But you'd be amazed vot strength you get ven you bite yourself by
mistake like zat."
Last word
Usually, terrible things that are done with the excuse that progress requires
them are not really progress at all, but just terrible things.
Russell Baker
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