The Idler, January 24, 2015

Doctors getting younger

THIS doctor in the white lab coat and surgical mask, with 

stethoscope, looked very young as he wandered about the 

obstetrics and gynaecology ward of St Mary's Medical Centre 

in West Palm Beach, Florida.

But people had become accustomed to the youthful Dr 

Robinson. It was only when a patient insisted this was a child 

dressed as a doctor that the truth emerged.

Dr Robinson was indeed a teenager and still at school. He'd 

been having them on for about a month.

It recalls an incident in one of the women's wards one 

evening at Greys Hospital, Pietermaritzburg, many years 

ago when two burly figures appeared in white coats, sporting 

stethoscopes.

They insisted that the ladies remove their blouses . Only one or 

two had obliged when a strong smell of beer was noted and nurses 

started running around and calling for the night watchman.

I think it had something to do with a bet after a rugby match.

Disappointed

A READER who calls himself Paddy expresses disappointment 

with the recent Tailpiece in which his namesake Paddy and Mick 

have some trouble installing poles in competition with a team of 

Poles.

"I was sure Paddy and Mick were going to come back complaining 

that they could not install any Poles because the Poles objected 

violently to being installed."

To be sure, dat would make an excellent Tailpiece, Paddy. Mebbe 

at some later stage. We gotta mix de Oirish and de Polish humour. 

Czechs and balances, y'know,

Sag factor

READER Maggie Taylor takes up on something overheard in the 

Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "In about 40 years we'll have 

thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos ..." 

"And the old men?" she asks.

To be sure, to be sure. The sag factor gets us all.

Spiky love

PORCUPINES are said to make love very carefully. But also most 

persistently, it seems.

Zookeepers at Ramat Gan Safari Park, in Israel, report that Dorit, 

a female porcupine is now being visited every night by a wild male 

who courts her from the other side of the wire mesh for hours at a 

time.

Dorit shares her enclosure with three eagle owls, which are all very 

well but not the real thing when it comes to romance.

Will they allow this affair to be consummated? It seems the only 

kind thing to do. Just as long as they're careful.

Hoax heaven

THE news columns had a piece recently about a book written by 

one Alex Malarkey called The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven,

which turns out to be untrue.

"You would imagine anything written by someone called

Malarkey would be suspect, wouldn't you?" says David Tilling.

To be sure, begorrah! Ask any Irish-American.

More Churchill

LOCAL historian and writer Peter Quantrill weighs in with another 

anecdote about Churchill. He was on a visit to America and was at 

a buffet lunch where they were serving cold chicken.

"May I have some breast please?" he asked.

"Mr. Churchill," the hostess replied. "In this country we ask 

for 'dark meat' or 'white meat'."

Next day the lady received a magnificent orchid from Churchill 

with a card reading: "I would be obliged if you would pin this on 

your white meat." 

New app

DIGITAL technology now reaches into the realm of fantasy. 

A new app lets you fake a relationship by giving you a virtual 

partner who texts, leaves voicemail messages, and even 

sends you romantic notes.

The Invisible Boyfriend/Invisible Girlfriend app allows you to choose your virtual 

partner's name, age and picture, and the software will help you to come up with a 

story about how you met.

It is being launched in the US. But it's not cheap - a virtual boyfriend will set you 

back a flat monthly fee of $25 (R275). For that you get 100 texts, 10 voicemails, 

and one handwritten note.

Who is sickest? Those who feel they need such a fantasy or those who devise 

it?

Tailpiece

SHE pounces on him in the kitchen: "Make love to me now! Right 

now!"

Afterwards he asks: "What was that all about?"

"The egg-timer's broken."

Last word

The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that 

it is not utterly absurd; indeed in view of the silliness of the majority of 

mankind, a widespread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible. 

Bertrand Russell