The Idler, Monday, February 23, 2015

Every card wild

WHAT a sousing last Saturday. You don't know who to admire most: the Sharks for 

taking a grip on the game in the most difficult conditions – every card is a wild one 

– or the King's Park squeejee squad for converting a lake into a sponge in a couple 

of hours.

Patrick Lambie had some excellent conditions experience for the World Cup in 

England later this year, and revelled in it. Those diagonal kicks were beautifully 

placed.

The Iron Chancellor – Bismarck – has brought purpose into the side and the 

previous week's jinx seems to have been well and truly shaken off. Most pleasing. 

Let the good times roll!

Return hoax

NASA have been hoaxing us in recent times with photographs of arid, stony, 

leafless landscapes they claim are the surface of Mars, when anyone can see it's 

the Griquas rugby field at Kimberley.

I'm going to get my own back. I'm sending them a photo of King's Park underwater 

and telling them it's the Lost City of Atlantis.

Snug

AS THE torrent poured down, I was fortunate enough to be watching from the 

snugness of a private box, in the company of a Viking lady and a couple of 

Maritzburg College old boys,

At half-time I encountered in the box next door an old shipmate who was schooled 

at Kearseny. He said he was pleased to see I have toned down my writing about 

Maritzburg College.

It's not a matter of "toning down", it's a matter merely of treating things on their 

mertis. Back in our box I noted on the wall a large picture of Joel Stransky 

(Maritzburg College) kicking the winning drop goal for South Africa in the 1995 

World Cup.

I mention this purely on its merits. Also that a Viking lady can be rather horny and 

intimidating. It's those helmets.

Elephants

LAST week we had a picture of elephants in John Morrison's front garden at 

Makakatana, on the western shores of Lake St Lucia.

Now, he tells us, a lady elephant took a dip in his pool the other evening, 

unfortunately holing the pool with her tusks, causing a major leak.

He says baby elephants were milling about the place panic-stricken, it was total 

chaos.

Can you imagine the noise? I hope he wasn't trying to watch cricket on TV.

Anyway, John has decided he has no option – he's got to put up an electric fence.

Rogue unit

IN HIS latest grumpy newsletter, investment analyst Dr James Greener expresses 

the bewilderment we all feel about the "rogue unit"that has been operating inside 

Sars.

"There is something very odd and rather mysterious about this alleged 'rogue 

unit' operating inside the South African Revenue Services. What on earth can 

they be up to? 

"Surely the only thing a tax collector does is ferret out both people and monies 

that are hiding from them.

"Does going 'rogue' mean that the fellows in the unit had changed sides? Were 

they deliberately not looking, or perhaps they have unearthed some juicy prey?

"Will we ever find out or have they summoned that junior official to make 

another error and operate the jammer/shredder in order to secure the no-fly zone 

around the president?

Bananas

WE'VE made mention in recent weeks of the way Manie Blom 

used to run on at King's Park before a Natal game, carrying a 

bunch of bananas – sometimes an entire banana tree.

Lyn Courtney-Smith points out that the act was eventually taken 

over by Joe Reyersbach, who got exactly the same rapturous 

support from the crowd.

Yes, that's true. Manie – who was barman at the Stamford Hill 

Hotel, across the road - was getting a bit long in the tooth. That 

zigging and zagging and dummying was getting hectic.

I recall a shameful incident, at the time the new American razzle 

dazzle was being rammed down our throats by the marketing 

ponytails, when somebody carrying a banana tree into King's Park 

had it confiscated, and he was escorted from the ground.

Would that have been Joe?

.

Oops!

AWKWARD moment: The feminist picnic when it's discovered nobody's 

made the sandwiches.

Tailpiece

"YOU gotta help me, doctor. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my 

temper with people and insulting them. You gotta help me."

"Tell me your problem."

"I just did, you stupid bastard!"

Last word

People seldom become famous for what they say until after they are famous 

for what they've done. 

Cullen Hightower