A little too distinctive
COLORADO burglar Anthony Gonzales, got picked up pretty fast after he was surprised while attempting to break into a property. He had "East Side" emblazoned in large lettering on his upper lip and the figure "13" even larger on his chin. He kind of stood out in a crowd and the cops had no difficulty finding him.
As Sergeant Eric Bravo said afterwards: "It's hard to miss him."
Yes, quite. So these serpents, dragons, scorpions and spiders that entwine the shoulders and necks of so many young people today are not the mark of anti-social rebellion that so many of us might have imagined, they are a form of social ordering – almost like an ID card – and a deterrent to bad behaviour.
It's nice to know.
Master burglar
HOWEVER, contemporary tattoo art is nothing compared with what was displayed by a man who used to appear regularly on a soap box at Speakers' Corner, in Hyde Park, London, and announce himself as "President of the Master Burglars' Association."
He had tattoos just everywhere – even on his eyelids. He said he had them done because he was once wrongly pointed out at a police identification parade, and ended up doing porridge for a crime he'd had absolutely nothing to do with. He didn't want it to happen ever again, hence the tattoos. So in this sense tattoos can keep you out of trouble with the cops.
Oddly enough, the master burglar was a South African named Van Zyl, who'd been living in London for years.
Becks and the rest
SPEAKING of which, David Beckham, who is prolifically adorned with the tattooist's art, has been sent to Afghanistan to visit the British troops.
It says something surely of the celebrity cult when a heavily tattooed footballer from Essex is rated somewhere up there with royalty and prime ministers when it comes to pepping up the lads in the front line.
But perhaps I'm being old-fashioned. Prince Charles might well have a girl in a bikini tattooed on his bicep, the way the old sailormen did, placed so that the right parts expand when he tenses his muscle.
Ars gratia artis – art for the sake of art.
Getting there
DIFFERENT shades of Grey – we're getting closer to the origins of the naming of the Midlands town of Howick. In fact we're probably there. Rob Hirsch (of Howick, natch!) says the town was named after Viscount Howick, who later became Earl Grey, Secretary for the Colonies between 1846 and 1852.
So that's it then. The town was named after a colonial administrator. Other places and institutions like Greytown, Grey's Hospital, Grey College (Bloemfontein), Grey High School (Port Elizabeth) and Lady Grey were named after him (or in one case his wife) in their new title.
No, that's not it. Greytown, Grey's Hospital etc were named after Sir George Grey, a very popular governor of the Cape who did his best to bring about federation in South Africa. There's no connection with Earl Grey. (Sir George also served several stints in New Zealand, so there's a Greytown there as well and various other things named after him – but let's not get involved in that).
And just to complicate matters further, there was another Sir George Grey. He was – just guess – briefly Secretary of State for the Colonies.
I'm not sure whether the 19th century Brits were just trying to cover their tracks or whether this was a cruel and perverse trick on future history classes.
So readers Fred Guthrie, Alexander Elliott and Tim Dodson appear to be correct in their assumption that Howick is named after the small village of Howick in Northumberland, which happens also to have been the country seat of Viscount Howick/Earl Grey.
But there's also a Howick in Lancashire. And 17 more in other parts of the world, including Canada, New Zealand and Australia. This is getting out of hand.
I stick to my guns. I bet none of them has a waterfall.
Tailpiece
A DOG GOES into a job centre and asks for employment.
"Wow!" says the clerk. "A talking dog. I'm sure we can find you a job at the circus."
"The circus?" says the dog. "What does a circus want with a plumber?"
Last word
Any fool can criticise, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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