The Idler, Friday, May 28

Sledgehammer entertainment   YESTERDAY we discussed a heavily tattooed South African named Van Zyl who was once prominent at Speakers' Corner, in London, introducing himself as "President of the Master Burglars' Association."   The tattoos, he said, were to avoid being wrongly pointed out at police identification parades.   Now reader Gerald Mullins wonders if this was the same man who used to perform at South Beach by having large stones broken on his head with a sledgehammer.   "In 1936 when I first came to Durban there used to be a regular performer on South Beach, a heavily built, heavily tattooed man whose speciality was to have large stones broken across his head by someone smacking them with a fourteen-pound hammer.   "His name, I remember, was Van Zyl and he frightened the life out of us kids. He solicited donations and appeared to froth at the mouth. Nightmare stuff.   "I wonder if he is the same man you referred to from Speakers' Corner, London, who you say even had his eyelids tattooed."   It sounds like the same character. The Van Zyl in London seemed to hang out with a whole lot of other whackos who took their turn on the soap box to rave about various issues.   I'm afraid beach entertainment just isn't what it used to be.   Soul music   SUDDENLY it came home to me this week that the Football World Cup is with us and, whatever our association with the sport, festive times are upon us.   The flags of the participating nations hung overhead as guitar maestro Steve Fataar and a range of supporting artists plucked magic from the strings and vocalised to a packed Morningside restaurant. I was there by happy chance and what a pleasurable experience to find real professionals making melody, not noise.   Whether we go to the matches or not, this is the right spirit for the World Cup. May it be repeated all over Durban and by all kinds of artists. Let's give our visitors a rousing time. And may it continue once the football is over.       Harmony   IN THE INTERESTS of promoting harmony between the sexes, a formulation sets out what it is that makes a man tick'   ·        Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AA is not an option. I will win. ·        Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this is no problem. ·        Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like cumin or tofu. For all I know, these could be one and the same thing. ·        Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it. ·        Because I'm a man, there's no need to ask what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask. ·        Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without, it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

 

New lyrics

IAN GIBSON, Bard of Hillcrest, is not impressed by the changes Julius Malema has made to his lyrics.

That boastful "youth" leader called Julius

Sings "Kiss the Boer", which is spurious;

For his hopeful whim,

After visiting Zim,

Is to render all boers impecunious.

 

Tailpiece

 

WHY ARE MARRIED women heavier than single women? Single women come home, look at what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, look at what's in bed and go to the fridge.

 

 

Last word

 

On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.

George Orwell

GRAHAM LINSCOTT