The Idler, Monday, June 7, 2010

Enduring Midlands institution   A FRIEND – an attorney - used to always head for the pig section when he went to the Royal Show, in Pietermaritzburg. He wanted to find a pig that didn't look like a certain clerk in the Deeds Office – and he says he never did.   The quest came to mind as I did walkabout at the showgrounds this year for the first time in many years. Nothing much seems to have changed – hordes of schoolchildren; show jumping in the arena; cattle bellowing in the show ring, an array of the province's commercial/industrial sector; and an atmosphere of the wild west show as cheapjacks and buskers strut their stuff.   The Royal Show is an enduring institution in KwaZulu-Natal, high on the social calendar as stockmen and farmers gather from all over the country – the Eastern Cape especially – and as the province's industrial sector is showcased. The fundis tell me the Royal is now considered South Africa's leading agricultural show, while the balancing industrial/commercial component makes it pretty well unique.   Of course, it began well over a century ago with letters patent from Queen Victoria. Over a pint or two of Whistling Weasel - real ale produced in the Midlands – as the chill of evening descends, one picks up a sense of contentment as stallholders and exhibitors gather to relax and unwind. We have our problems but some things will endure.   Later in a pub/restaurant away from the showgrounds we encounter a blonde bombshell of a waitress named Tarryn-Lee, who sings most beautifully for our entertainment; her fellow-waitress named Bun, who plays the flute; and their manager, a young man named Michael, who says he came back to the Midlands from Johannesburg because he likes greeting people in the street plus he was sick of having his washing nicked from the line.   Yes, as a region the Midlands has a lot going for it.     Viva vuvuzela!   Reader Tim Dodson sends in this patriotic effusion:   Here's to the brave vuvuzela, So dear to the sporting man's heart; Now each loyal horn-blowing fella Can play his South African part. We'll give all our guests a memento To cherish, before they depart - A tuneless, brainless, pointless, aimless, Gigantic South African … raspberry.   That false rhyme is just brilliant.   Volcanoes   RECENTLY we discussed the possibility that volcanoes could be contributing rather more to greenhouses gases and global warming than the activities of humanity. I'm obliged to my old colleague Derek Taylor – former Vietnam war correspondent, now a restaurant reviewer – for the information that there are 1 496 active volcanoes in the world and they increase by one or two every year.   This is in the context of the volcanic ash from Iceland and the 1982 incident when volcanic ash almost brought down a British Airways flight over Indonesia. The near disaster gave extra urgency to a project by Dr Fred Prata, an atmospheric scientist working at Australia's Commonwealth Scientific, Industrial Research Organisation (CSIRO), to  observe, track, measure and avoid airborne volcanic ash. Prata's research over 20 years raised the question: How many unexplained aircraft disappearances over the oceans have been caused by volcanic ash? Dr Prata developed laser instruments capable of distant location of ash clouds, many of them invisible to aircrews, some resembling ordinary clouds. Such warnings provide space and time for aircraft to avoid their concentrations . His discoveries also enabled instrument-detection of other dangerous atmospheric concentrations of volcanic sarin gas. His technology could have saved the billions of dollars wasted by the recent disastrous paralysis of air travel in Europe. But four years ago, the Australian CSIRO halted his research. They made Dr Prata redundant. However, he managed to get a job in Norway that has enabled him to continue his project. Now he is talking to every major airline in the world. They are queuing to put his life-saving detection technology to work urgently.   And so much for the CSIRO budget managers. A need   Bumper sticker: A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.   Tailpiece     A SMAll boy is lost in a shopping mall. He approaches a uniformed security guard: "I've lost my grandpa!" The guard asks: "What's his name?" "Grandpa." The guard smiles and asks: "What's he like?" The small boy hesitates  a moment: "Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big knockers."

 

Last word

 

Rock and roll is the hamburger that ate the world.

Peter York

GRAHAM LINSCOTT