A celebrity emerges
THE BRIGHTEST star to have emerged from the 2010 Football World Cup is without doubt Paul the psychic octopus who, from his tank in the aquarium at Oberhausen, Germany, predicted with uncanny accuracy the outcome of every match played by his countrymen.
This included the early shock defeat by Serbia and the convincing wins that followed. The whole of Germany was stunned and dismayed when, earlier this week, Paul chose to open a box carrying a Spanish flag to get at the food inside, shunning the one with the German flag.
But he knew what he was about. Spain were like a flood tide on Wednesday night, Germany were never in the match and from midway through the first half it seemed likely that Paul would turn out spot-on.
How does an octopus predict such things? That is a mystery. But the immediate question is: Where does Paul go from here? A predictive talent such as his can surely not be wasted in an obscure tank in an aquarium.
Paul is now an international celebrity. His talent must be harnessed. Give him eight pencils – one per tentacle – and he can bring in millions from the lotteries in different countries. Put him in a portable tank and take him to Monte Carlo and Las Vegas. He'll skin the casinos.
But he could have a more serious role as well. He could become a key analyst in the futures market on the Deutsche Borse, the one to lead us out of the current world recession. Perhaps he should become president of the European Union. Germany are out of the World Cup but there is no need for despair.
I anticipate a public clamour to be told more about Paul the psychic octopus. Is there a lady octopus in his life? What are his likes and dislikes, his tastes in art and music?
A balance needs to be achieved between Paul's celebrity status and his right to privacy and the calm he no doubt needs in order to make his predictions. I hope the keepers at the Oberhausen aquarium are aware of their new responsibilities.
Stew or paella?
ANDREW Dale penned the following lines before the match and (not being a psychic octopus) unaware of what the outcome would be:
Take pity on the octopus
Who's faced with a dilemma.
If right, he's for a German stew,
If wrong, with a paella.
It's a nice piece of verse but Andrew is right off beam. As outlined above, Paul is not destined for a German stew, he's an international celebrity.
Sea Beggars
MEANWHILE, the grand finale AT Soccer City on Sunday, the Spanish versus the Sea Beggars. Yes, it's another of those oddities that crop up in the World Cup when countries such as England, Spain or Portugal play against their former colonies.
The Netherlands were once the Spanish Netherlands. The Sea Beggars – a term of contempt which they embraced with glee – were the people who helped liberate the country in the 16th century in a conflict which took place mainly at sea. It was a long and bitter struggle, the Sea Beggars based mainly at ports in England, from which they attacked Spanish-occupied towns in the Netherlands.
The struggle brought to the fore William of Orange, Stadtholder of Holland, which accounts for the sea of orange among the Dutch supporters.
History can be interesting. The Spaniards versus the Sea Beggars again. It's good that those dreadful struggles of the past have translated into 90 minutes on a sportsfield.
Another angle
AND ON the topic of history, what's the difference between 1652 and now (once the final is played)? This time the Dutch are going home.
Tailpiece
PADDY walks into a hardware shop indignantly brandishing a chainsaw.
"You told me yesterday I could cut down a tree in under a minute with dis. At noon I started and by evenin'I was only halfway through de trunk."
"Let's check the air to fuel ratio of the engine," says the counter assistant. He pulls the cord and the engine kicks into life.
"Begorrah!" says Paddy. "What's dat terrible noise?"
Last word
Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract instead of under observation. - Walter Winchell
Walter WinchellGRAHAM LINSCOTT
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