Some tips on pet care
LET'S take a break from the Football World Cup. Let's take a look at pet care for a change. And I'm obliged to reader John Knottenbelt for this succinct advice on how to administer medicine to a cat, as well as to a dog.
The cat first:
· Pick up cat and cradle in the crook of left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
· Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
· Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
· Call spouse in from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
· Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
· Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.
· Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
· Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
· Call fire department to retrieve damn cat from top of tree across road.
· Take last pill from foil wrap. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
· Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.
· Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
And now the dog:
· Wrap pill in bacon. Toss in the air.
Yes, the different species require totally different approaches.
Politicos and sport
MEANWHILE, what Sepp Blatter had to say about President Sarkozy's apparent plans to intervene in French football was fascinating. He bluntly told Sarkozy that if his government tried to interfere in any way, France would be suspended from international competition.
Quite right too. Sport is not within the domain of government.
Exactly the same applies in rugby. If the IRB were happy with Tendai "The Beast" Mtawarira playing for the Springboks, who were our Ministry of Sport to interfere? When they leaned on the rugby administrators to suspend his selection until his citizenship was processed, they must have come perilously close to crossing the line.
Tailpiece
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.
Last word
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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