Sensational but sad
WE'VE been reading a lot about the "Red Shirts" who have holed up in Bangkok and are threatening to bring down the Thai government.
My contact in those parts keeps sending me news snippets from the English-language Bangkok press, which are totally incomprehensible. Apparently there is another group called the "Yellow Shirts" who have not been making the news much but are there in the background. They represent "old money". The Red Shirts represent "new money". It appears nobody represents the proletarians, the poor.
But another snippet has arrived from Thailand. It is somewhat more comprehensible. Apparently a circus dwarf got swallowed by a hippo in what is described as a "freak accident."
The dwarf, known as Od, bounced sideways from a trampoline directly into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo, who happened to be yawning as she waited to go on for the next act.
Od disappeared down her throat and the crowd went wild with applause for this sensational act. Only later did they discover it was a tragic accident
Vets explained later that Hilda had a gag reflex that forced her to swallow.
A sad little story but more comprehensible than the Red Shirts and the Yellow Shirts.
Slow boat to China
I WONDER what effect all the turmoil is having on Thailand's tourism industry. Pretty disastrous, one imagines.
I recall the occasion in quieter times when the wife of a German farmer in Umvoti County went with a group of her girlfriends on a package tour to Thailand.
That evening the farmer came into the local pub, wreathed in smiles.
"Drinks on me!" he called. "I've just put the frau on a fast train to Durban and a slow boat to China!"
Caustic cops
YESTERDAY we had the report card comments of New York City teachers. Today it's the comments of police officers, taken from police car videos. They're pretty sharp.
* "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
* "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
* "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
* "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
* "Can you run faster than 1 200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
* "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
* "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
* "Warning? You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
* "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
* "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
· "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
· "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
· "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
· "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
· "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Political truth
The reason MPs try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
Tailpiece
Patient: "Doctor, I have this tune running through my head. I can't get rid of it and it's driving me crazy."
Doctor: "What's the tune?"
Patient: "The Green Green Grass of Home. It's terrible. Any idea of what's causing it?"
Doctor: "You've got Tomjonesitis."
Patient: "Is that common?"
Doctor: "It's not unusual …"
Last word
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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