The Idler, Wednesday, May 26

What a scoop! UNCLEAN, unclean! Is there a leper's bell for entrapment? Sarah Ferguson, divorced wife of Andrew, Duke of York, is on the skids financially. Her businesses are being wound up. The News of the World (one of Britain's most notorious red-top tabloids) is like a great white that has scented blood in the water. It sets up a bogus businessman who offers her a huge amount in cash for an introduction to her ex-husband, who has a role as a kind of roving ambassador to attract investment to Britain. The encounter is secretly filmed. In it Sarah Ferguson makes it abundantly clear that Prince Andrew is dead-straight and does not accept a penny in come-ashore money. What then was the point of the whole thing? But, of course, the News of the World splashed the story. This is surely the ethical equivalent of throwing sweets around a slum district then setting the attack dogs on the kids when they go for them. Unclean, unclean!

Amphitheatre

EVERY now and then you pick up a bonus. I hadn't been down to the beachfront in a while and had been under the impression the amphitheatre at North Beach had been torn down as part of the Fifa development.

But its still there. It's like discovering that an old friend you'd written off is still in the land of the living. The amphitheatre is being repaired and spruced up. They're putting in new roofing, giving a lick of paint. I doubt if they'll have it ready in time for the World Cup, but at least it's been saved for posterity. Something has been removed on the seaward side but that's a vast improvement, leaving a sweep of lawn down to the beach.

I've mixed feelings about the southern section of this new promenade. It seems very empty and featureless. But the northern section is great. Credit where credit is due. Somebody had the brain engaged.

Mystery solved

IT SEEMS my theory that the Midlands town of Howick derives its name from a misspelling of the Scottish town of Hawick is absolutely wrong. Readers Fred Guthrie and Alexander Elliott write in to say there's a small town called Howick in Northumberland, England.

It turns out, now I'm looking in the right country, there's also a Howick in Lancashire, England. Does ours derive from Northumberland or Lancashire?

There also are towns called Howick in New Zealand and the Canadian provinces of Ontario and Quebec.

There's a Howick Island off the coast of Australia and a Howick National Park in Queensland, Australia.

But I bet none of them has a waterfall.

Tailpiece

AN 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape he's in and asks: ''How do you stay in such great physical condition?''

"I'm Scottish and I'm a golfer, and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.''

''Well,'' says the doctor, ''I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

''Who said my Dad's deed?''

''You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?''

''He's 100 years old 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the beach for a walk and had another wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too.''

The doctor says:  ''That's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

''Who said my grandad's deed?"

''You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living? Incredible! How old is he?''

''He's 118 years old.''

''So I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?''

''No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.''

''Getting married? Why would a 118 year-old man want to get married?''

''Who said he wanted to?''

Last word

The whole world is in revolt. Soon there will be only five Kings left--the King of England, the King of Spades, The King of Clubs, the King of Hearts, and the King of Diamonds.

King Farouk of Egypt

GRAHAM LINSCOTT