Captain Cook, Friday, May 21, 2010

THINGS seem to be getting lively along the rugby touchlines. A Hilton College parent has been barred from watching sport at the school for a year after disrupting a match by running onto the field and punching a Maritzburg College boy, then his father when he intervened.

In England, Brendan Venter, Director of Rugby at Saracens, has been barred from the touchline for the Guinness Premiership final at Twickenham next weekend for making an abusive gesture toward the crowd in a match against Leicester. However, he was found not guilty of pushing a female spectator. The disciplinary committee found that the two ran into each other by accident.

Saracens hooker Schalk Brits has been reprimanded for making an abusive gesture to the crowd in the same match against Leicester.

It sounds exciting. What was the female spectator doing on the touchline anyway? It's like those classic third division games in days of yore when Police would play Railway Police – an absolute grudge match – and there would be women running up and down the touchlines screaming: "Moor hom, Frikkie!"

And what were the abusive gestures employed by Venter and Brits? The traditional twos-up? Or that American cultural import, "the finger"?

I think we should be told. An e-mail is doing the rounds, claiming that "the finger" – the middle finger, as waved by that Cape Town jogger at Jacob Zuma's motorcade - derives from the Battle of Agincourt.

The French had promised to cut off the middle finger of the English longbowmen, it is claimed, so they would be unable in future to draw the strings of their bows. When the English won the day, the longbowmen derisively waved their middle fingers at the defeated enemy.

A nice story – except it's not quite true. The French had promised to cut off the index and middle fingers of the English longbowmen, both of which were used in drawing a bowstring. When the English prevailed in battle, they derisively waved both fingers at the defeated French – today's twos-up sign. The American single finger came in only recently, and its origins I do not know.

It's surely important that we resist American cultural imperialism. It's already happened with the naming of our sides. Names Like Bulls and Stormers are straight from gridiron, dreamed up by the ponytails. I sincerely hope Brendan and Schalk gave the crowd twos-up, not the American middle finger. Rugby is built on tradition and too much tradition has already disappeared.

Meanwhile, a fascinating shake-out seems possible as the 2011 World Cup draws closer. The French won the Six Nations grand slam. The European Cup final tomorrow is between two French clubs, Biarritz and Stad e Francais. What's happened to Ireland and Wales? (England disappeared off the radar screen some time ago).

Also tomorrow, of course, are the Super-14 semi-finals – two South African sides against one Kiwi and one Aussie. If Northern Transvaal and Western Province (Twos-up to the ponytails!) both take it, as they should, a South African side wins the southern hemisphere championship from another South African side.

It would augur well for the World Cup next year – South Africa and France the main contenders. Should my theory not be borne out, I'll be the one at the bar making abusive gestures – with the traditional two fingers of course!