The hand of fate
THE OTHER day we considered the court case in which an Irishman living in County Roscommon was fined and given a suspended prison sentence for widdling on the French loaves in a supermarket, in protest at the way Ireland were cheated out of participating in the World Cup by French footballer Thierry Henry, who blatantly handballed in the qualifier.
Our sister newspaper in Dublin, the Irish Independent, was a little more subtle as it reported the French defeat by Bafana Bafana and their ignominious departure from the tournament.
A front page headline read: "End of world for Henry now hand of fate evens the score."
The report read: "Irish fans could not be blamed for a little gloating last night as a dejected Thierry Henry quit the World Cup stage. The man who cheated us out of making it to South Africa will return home today in complete humiliation after France were beaten by hosts South Africa.
"Irish fans did little to conceal their joy at France's defeat and even French supporters had no words of defence for their players' performance in the competition. What goes around comes around. Adieu Henry!"
Then the news staff went out to look for the French loaves section of a supermarket.
Aussie traditions
SOMEHOW I didn't get round to visiting the Aussie tent city at Kingsmead. I wonder if they're striking camp now that the Socceroos have been blown out of the World Cup?
Things must have been pretty lively down there. The Aussies have their particular traditions when taking a few chuggalugs.
News comes in of two fellows who were sharing a few beers the other evening in the Grampians, a series of hills near Melbourne. It seemed a good idea to liven things up a bit with some target practice with an airgun.
One would bend over and the other would fire at the target presented. Then they'd swap round.
It was a lot of fun but it ended in hospital with the doctors and nurses rather busy with the tweezers.
On reflection, Kingsmead probably was a good place to stay away from.
Local traditions
THE ABOVE recalls a guinea fowl shoot near Estcourt some years ago. One gun had a terrible day, not bringing down a single bird. They were ribbing him about it over a few beers afterwards.
"Look," said this one fellow. "I'll bend over 100 yards away and you couldn't hit me up the backside!"
One thing led to another. The challenger handed the other bloke his shotgun, walked off a hundred paces and bent over.
What he knew (and the other didn't) was that he'd removed the shot from the cartridges in the gun. The other guy was going to miss again. Great humiliation.
But the other fellow looked at the cartridges. SSG – buckshot. That was a bit rough, he decided, so he replaced them with two cartridges of birdshot from his own belt.
Wham! Wham! Both barrels!
The doctors and nurses had a busy night with the tweezers.
Dictionary
I'M OBLIGED to reader Rob Loreiro for this short, witty dictionary:
· Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
· Beauty parlour: A place where women curl up and dye.
· Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
· Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
· Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
· Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
· Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
· Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
· Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.
· Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.
· Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
· Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
· Tomorrow: One of the greatest labour-saving devices of today.
· Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.
· Wrinkles: Something other people have – similar to one's own lines of character.
Tailpiece
GIVE a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Last word
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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