TIE ME KANGAROO down, Sport, tie me kangaroo down … a kangaroo in the Australian Northern Territory town of Tennant Creek has been making the sheilas nervous by stalking them with what appears to be amorous intent.
Yet I'm puzzled by this news snippet. I've my doubts. How does one read the mind of a kangaroo? It can't say: "Brace yourself Sheila!" the way Brucie does when indulging in foreplay.
I will not be lured into disparaging comment on the attributes of Aussie sheilas; into any suggestion that they could be legitimately mistaken for marsupials. I've known some charming Australian girls. Most of them also have a lethal right hook. They can drop on you out of a coolibah tree.
No, this amorous kangaroo is clearly a case of group hysteria. It's the amorous wombat and duck-billed platypus that they need to watch out for. Not to mention Brucie.
Desirable localities
THIS column recently carried reports of UFO sightings on the Bluff; of giant froglike creatures and tall sinister figures in capes, lurking in the bush. One UFO spotter said they took off at high speed across the sea, for Umhlanga. This prompted the question whether the aliens prefer Umhlanga to the Bluff.
And this in turn inspires some dreadfully snobbish doggerel from Mike Rochfort, of Durban North.
Oh, how aloof
To live in Kloof.
Or to be among the best
And live at Gillitts or Hillcrest.
Oh, how refined to settle down
At either Westville or Pinetown.
But if you think of your career
You must adhere to the Berea.
One can't be socially out of reach
In an apartment on South Beach
Or with the colonels and so forth
With residences at Durban North,
So take my warning, have a care
Before deciding on Montclair.
Worse, never live with the rude and rough
Who choose to live upon the Bluff,
Except for that exclusive reach
That's known to some as Brighton Beach.
And that's the trouble with Durban,
It's getting ever so suburban.
Thank you, Mike. But I'd stay away from Montclair and the Bluff for a while if I were you.
SOME deft definitions:
· Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.
· Marriage: It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master. (A terribly old-fashioned ring to that one!)
· Lecture: An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either
· Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
· Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
· Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power.
· Conference room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
· Classic: A book which people praise but never read.
· Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
· Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life
· Yawn: The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth.
· Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
· Optimist: A person who, fallingfrom the Eiffel Tower, shouts midway: "So far so good!"
· Miser: A person who lives poor to die rich.
· Father: A banker provided by nature.
· Boss: Someone who's is early when you're late and late when you're early.
· Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and shakes your confidence afterward.
· Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills and kills you by bills.
Tailpiece
A SMALL boy in a restaurant is playing with three 10-cent coins. They go into his mouth. Next thing he's choking. His father whacks him on the back. Two coins pop out. But he's still choking.
A young woman in a smart business suit rushes across and grabs the boy firmly by the testicles and squeezes. The remaining coin pops out and the boy can breathe normally.
Boy's father: "I don't know how to thank you. Are you a doctor?"
Woman: "No, I work for Sars."
Last word
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
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