The Idler, Thursday, June 17, 2010

America in from the cold

IT'S PLEASING that our American friends are here for the Football World Cup. For so long they have played games such as gridiron football, baseball and horseshoe pitching that are not shared by the rest of the world. However, I fear they still have a way to go in picking up the nuances of the sports played by the rest of us.

As you will see from the adjacent reproduction of the front page of the New York Post, they have a rather erratic interpretation of the recent match between themselves and England.

"USA wins 1-1," says the New York Post. "Greatest tie against the British since Bunker Hill."

This is puzzling. How can 1-1 be a win? Why is a draw described as a tie (which is a term found in cricket – but only when the final scores are equal – or in athletics)? Why Bunker Hill?

Bunker Hill was a military action during the American War of Independence when the British sallied forth from Boston, where they were besieged in 1775, to drive the colonial rebels from a high point. They succeeded, but with such massive casualties that their conditions of siege actually became much worse. I suppose this could be interpreted as a some kind of tie.

Is the New York Post a newspaper of extraordinary perspicacity? And is the 2010 Fifa World Cup a continuation of the American War of Independence?

The New York Post seems a newspaper worth watching. If America's presence at the Football World Cup is the start of an emergence from international sports isolation, what will the New York Post be saying when the Americans take up cricket? We can look forward to their interpretations of the follow-on, taking the new ball, declaring the innings closed. Not to mention the various outcomes – a win by so many runs, a win by an innings and so many runs (sometimes with a day to spare), a win by so many wickets. Not to forget the thrilling, totally absorbing drawn game.

Bunker Hill pales by comparison.

 

Own goal

AMBUSH Marketing becomes Massacre Marketing. Had it not been for the goonish behaviour of the Fifa officials and the police in Johannesburg, nobody would have noticed the 36 Dutch women in orange miniskirts (the Dutch always wear orange at sports events) at the Netherlands-Denmark match. But, because their outfits had a tiny label advertising Bavaria beer – a brand that is sold in the Netherlands – they were deemed to be involved in ambush marketing ( a strange term which appears to mean an inability on the part of the complainant to compete in the free market).

As a result, Bavaria beer was on the front pages of every newspaper in South Africa, and no doubt around the world. This is exposure Bavaria could barely have dreamed of, whether or not the incident was deliberately planned as part of a marketing campaign.

Laughing harder than anyone must be the brewers of the local Bavaria beer, which I don't think has anything to do with the European brand. Wonderful advertising, absolutely free. Thank you, Fifa!

Talk about an own goal!

 

Vuvuzelas

IT'S A MYSTERY the way a people with melody and rhythm in their very genes have adopted the droning, absolutely tuneless vuvuzela as their contribution to the World Cup. It's beginning to cause some irritation.

John Leicester, a columnist with Associated Press, complains that they are killing the atmosphere of the competition. Gone is the crowd participation – the chants, the songs, the oohs and aahs and the sudden, uncanny silences.

To the argument that vuvuzelas are a South African tradition (of at least five years), he responds that this is not a South African competition, it's a world competition

 

"At the very least, South Africa should ensure that the hundreds of millions of visitors who come in goodwill to its door, both in person and via the magic of television, do not go home with a migraine. How many TV viewers who long for a more nuanced soundtrack to go with the show have already concluded that the only way to enjoy this World Cup is by pressing mute on their remote?"

 

 

Tailpiece

Teacher: "Can you spell 'banana'?"

Pupil: "Yes, I just don't know when to stop."

Last word

Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.

Tom Robbins

GRAHAM LINSCOTT