Paul the psychic octopus
ENGLAND'S defeat by the Germans in the World Cup second round last weekend was predicted by a psychic octopus. The octopus, known as Paul, has so far correctly predicted all the German wins and defeats in the competition from his tank in the Oberhausen Sea Life Centre in Germany.
Two plastic boxes, with the flag of each country on the front, are lowered into his tank. Each contains food.
The box that Paul opens first is judged to be the predicted winner of the game. So far he's been spot-on.
We stand by to see what Paul predicts for Germany versus Argentina – and what happens. Paul will either be a world sensation and celebrity– or simply a damp squid.
More cruel jokes
Meanwhile, the cruel jokes keep rolling in:
· What do Frank Lampard's goal and the SAS have in common? They're invisible behind German lines.
· (To the tune of The Lion Sleeps Tonight – also known as Wimoweh):
In the jungle, the South African jungle, three lions sleep tonight ...
Cos in the morning, the early morning,
They have to catch a flight.
Chorus:
No win away no win away no win away no win away ...
· Police are investigating reports that someone has sound-proofed Hadrian's Wall. This follows five million phone calls from Scotland saying that it's all gone quiet over there.
· England have just announced flood warning alerts as five million Scots swazz themselves laughing.
· What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Those are the printable ones.
Blattering on
MEANWHILE, reader Brian Kennedy sends in a letter that appeared in the Irish Times:
"May I propose a new verb to be added to the English language? To blatter: to continue to ignore the obvious benefits of modern technology."
Collective noun
ANOTHER collective noun is suggested for vuvuzelas. A "cacophony" of vuvuzelas comes from Rosemary Marais, of Morningside. She says when she switches on the TV she is reminded of a ditty she learned as a child. It began: "The raucous cacophony of inebriated hyenas …"
"Does this fit?"
Naartjies
STILL with vuvuzelas, and their apparent infiltration of the world of rugby as well as soccer, reader Buck Rogers suggests that traditionalists respond with naartjies.
"Now that it seems the vuvuzela is being embraced by certain juvenile rugby fans as a "traditional instrument", perhaps it is time to bring back the naartjie.
"Anyone old enough will remember farmers outside the rugby stadiums selling bags of naartjies. This wonderful fruit had three uses. One could inject them with cane spirit or the best brandewyn and suck this delicious mix during the game; without this fortification they quenched the thirst perfectly ; and most importantly, they made excellent missiles to be thrown at noisy or objectionable opposition fans.
A salvo of well-directed naartjies would quickly silence anyone crazy enough to blow one of these stupid "horns" and proper fans could then get on with the game."
Burgled
THE PROMPTNESS with which the police have responded to incidents of crime during the World Cup, and brought the culprits before special courts for swift justice, has been a marvel for a population accustomed to the exact opposite.
It has also been reassuring to note a strong and highly visible police presence at popular gathering points such as Florida Road. The patrols clearly are there to protect, not harass. If only normal daily life could be like this.
However, there was also the uneasy feeling that this focus on World Cup localities would leave other areas under-resourced and exposed to crime.
I'm sure everyone commiserates with the deputy minister of police at his home in Pretoria being burgled. But at least a point has been got across where it counts.
Tailpiece
Little girl" "Mummy, where do babies come from?"
Mother: "The stork, dear."
Little girl: "Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?"
Mother: "The police, dear."
Little girl: "Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would rescue us?"
Mother: "The fire department, dear."
Little girl: "Mummy, where does food come from?"
Mother: "Farmers, dear."
Little girl: "Mummy, what do we need Daddy for?"
Last word
People ask for criticism, but they only want praise.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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