The Bluff issues a fatwa
OH DEAR. A fatwa has been issued against me by a secret society called the Brotherhood of Bluff Ballies (BBB). They say a recent column contained "insolence and insults to amphibious beings and the people of the Bluff".
The BBB refer, I presume, to my mention of the UFO/extraterrestrials excitement on the Bluff. Strange red lights have been seen in the vicinity of the military base. A giant froglike creature has marched out of the sea, then morphed into human form halfway up the beach. Tall, sinister figures have been spotted lurking in the bush, wearing capes.
I presume they refer also to my mention of the theory – which comes from the Bluff itself, I must emphasise – that people have been smoking extra-strong stuff.
The fatwa is issued by the Grand Master of the BBB/Groot Padda Alliance. It reads:
"The aliens that are visiting the Bluff were invited by BBB to share our superior intellect and sacred weed with them. They are under our protection and all non believers will be dealt with quickly and in an alien way.
"The BBB had a meeting with the Groot Paddas and Caped Beings over your allegations that they don't exist and your implying that we (Bluff people) smoke funny stuff and are dof.
The Groot Paddas are insulted by this and the BBB is tired of people thinking the Bluff is some hillbilly town. Just because we don't wear shoes and we marry our sisters doesn't make us dof, we just like to keep it in the family.
"We the BBB, jointly with the Groot Paddas, will give you one chance to redeem yourself.
"You must attend our secret society ritual in the bush by the army camp. It's a serious ritual so don't take it lightly and please go and have a frog suit made for yourself.
"At midnight on the full moon we don our ceremonial padda suits, smoke the sacred amphibious weed and drink BBB moonshine which we make ourselves in 44-gallon drums, using battery acid and dead rats.
"We then all proceed onto the beach and carry out the frog dance. I guarantee you that you will see strange and alien beings after that."
What choice do I have? The moonshine doesn't sound too bad. And it could be exhilarating to be immersed in Bluff culture. Midnight on the full moon. I will keep you informed.
Game, set, match!
A TENNIS professional has lost his defamation case against a British newspaper that called him "the world's worst player."
Robert Dee, a British player now based in Spain, said the report in the Daily Telegraph was offensive and could blight his potential future career as a tennis coach.
A London High Court judge disagreed.
"The claimant is a professional player who did indeed lose 54 consecutive matches in tournaments on the international professional circuit, during which he did not win one set.
"His record of consecutive losses was the world record-equalling worst-ever run of consecutive losses on the international professional circuit."
I make no comment, lest the litigatious Dee bring the matter before our own high court. But he sounds about my calibre in the game of tennis. I issue him a challenge on hard court, anywhere in Durban.
Ancient spread
Archaeologists and antiquarians are excited by the discovery at Carlisle, on the border of England and Scotland, the remains of an ancient jar of fishpaste, apparently used by the commander of the Roman garrison there .
Carlisle is the town bounded on one side by Hadrian's Wall – built by the Romans to keep out the barbarous Scots – and was a northern outpost of the Roman Empire.
Fishpaste! Those ancient Romans certainly knew how to live it up. For their major feasts they probably had Marmite as well.
Tailpiece
A PRIEST visits a man who has lost his aged father. "I'm so sorry to hear about your loss," he says. "Did you try taking him to Lourdes as I suggested?"
"Yes I did. But we'd been there only a few minutes when he died."
"His heart?"
"No, a cricket ball hit him on the head."
Last word
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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