Sunday, August 22, 2010

The Idler, Monday, May 24

Croke Park moment?

 

A LIONESS hath not whelped in the streets; fierce, fiery warriors did not fight upon the clouds and blood did not drizzle on the capitol … a Super-14 rugby match was played in Soweto at the weekend (Loftus having been commandeered for the Football World Cup) and the world went on as normal.

 

Was this our Croke Park moment? There were fears a few years ago when England played rugby against Ireland at Croke Park, Dublin – normally the home of Gaelic Football – that the historic connotations of the place would overwhelm the goodwill of rugby.

 

They played at Croke Park because the old Lansdowne Road rugby stadium was being rebuilt. Yet Croke Park had been the scene of a ghastly massacre in 1920 when police and the military fired indiscriminately into a football crowd during the Irish struggle for independence.

 

But the match was played and watched in great good spirit.

 

There's certainly a parallel with rugby in Soweto, another history of struggle and atrocity. But it seems we've had our Croke Park moment. And next weekend we'll have another when the Super-14 final is played at the same Orlando stadium.

 

Could it be that the spirit of goodwill and pride generated by the 1995 Rugby World Cup is re-establishing itself against the ravings of certain contemporary politicos? Not before time!

 

Border country

 

READER Ron Johnson is intrigued that I should know about the Scottish town of Hawick, "Queen of a' the Borders", where he was born and grew up. He agrees that our Howick, in the Midlands, is probably a misspelling of the name.

 

"When I was a schoolboy in Hawick – nearly 70 years ago – the Border towns supplied the bulk of the Scottish rugby team, and the Springboks usually had a game in Hawick at Mansfield Park."

 

He attaches a cutting from the Hawick News, referring to the Springbok tour of 1952.

 

"On Friday a Galashiels motorist ran into a snowdrift and ended up in a ditch three miles from Gala on the Peebles road. He signalled a bus hoping for a lift to Galashiels - and found he was in luck. In the bus were the South African rugby team, who were on their way to visit Lyle & Scott's and Pringle's hosiery factories in Hawick. Several husky Springboks got out, picked the car up and put it back on the road while their mates took photographs of this pre-match work-out."

 

I've been to the Scottish borders a couple of times. It's real rugby country, the pubs are full of rugby memorabilia and the rolling hills are very like our own Midlands.

 

Howick simply must be a misspelling of the original, but I've never been able to establish that. Can anyone help?

 

Report cards

 

TEACHERS in the New York City public school system were reprimanded for the following remarks on pupils' report cards:



* Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

* I would not allow this student to breed.

·       Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

·       The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

·       When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

·       If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

·       It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat a million others.



 

Tailpiece

 

SIX FELLOWS go on a hunting trip, sharing two to a tent. Nobody wants to share with Daryl because he snores so badly. They decide it's fair that each should take a turn at sharing with him.

The first to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast next morning with his eyes bloodshot. "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."


The next night it's a different chap's turn. Next morning he's a wreck. "Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night."


The third night it's the turn of a burly ex-footballer. He comes to breakfast next morning bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

 

"How did you manage to sleep?" his friends ask.

 

"We got ready for bed. I tucked Daryl in and kissed him good night.


"Then he sat up and watched me all night."


Last word

 

There are two cardinal sins from which all others spring: Impatience and Laziness.

Franz Kafka

GRAHAM LINSCOTT

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