The Idler, Friday, May 21, 2010

Wedded bliss   PARISH news from St Peter's Catholic Church in Boston, Massachusetts, where they have weekly marriage seminars for husbands.   The priest asked Guiseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.  Guiseppe told the assembled husbands: "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all, I taka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary." The priest: "Guiseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"   Giuseppe : "I'ma gonna go pick her up."   Be content   ALL OF US at times wonder what we're doing in this occupation, what wrong turn we took in life. I'm obliged to Ron Coppin, of Hillcrest, for this little remedy to discontent:   Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.   When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.   Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitised." Now close your eyes and say out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson." Have a nice day. And remember, there is always someone with a job that is more of a pain in the butt than yours.   Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart, then you are just an old sourpuss. Maybe you should go and work for Johnson & Johnson.

 

Thank you, Ron, for that uplifting message.

Playing with words

Reader Roddy Board sends in a list of what he calls complementary adverbs. They're fun.

·         "This cough medicine's no good," said I gruffly. "Try honey instead," she advised sweetly. "You're a cheeky young lady," I replied bumptiously.

·         "Waterfall ahead!" shrieked the canoeist rapidly.

·         "They all escaped except for the ram," I admitted sheepishly.

·         "This grapefruit isn't ripe," cried she tartly.

·         "Bonzo did not dig up your flowerbed," I stated doggedly.

·         "This injection may well hurt," barked the nurse bluntly.

·         "I'm not going to work a day longer," said he resignedly.

·         "My curry is better than hers," cried she hotly.

·         "You're going deaf," said he quietly.

·         "Who goes there?" called the sentry guardedly.

 

Roddy closes by bidding us – bearing in mind his surname is Board – au revoir woodenly.

 

Biking incident

 

THE ABOVE recalls a piece of doggerel:

 

On the motorbike were Ruth and he,

Riding fast and fancy-fee;

They hit a bump at 93

And then he rode on ruthlessly.

 

Persistent lightning

 

MORE from Bill Bryson's Bizarre World (Warner Books).

 

In 1918 in Flanders, Belgium, a certain Major Summerford was struck by lightning and invalided out of the Canadian army. Six years later he was fishing in Vancouver when lightning struck him again, paralysing his right side. Within two years he had recovered sufficiently to be walking through a local park when – you guessed it – he was struck again. This time he was paralysed for good and, after lingering for two years, died of his injuries. There is a brief postscript: In 1934, during a thunderstorm, lightning shattered a tombstone at a Vancouver cemetery. It was Major Summerford's.

 

Tailpiece

Man in bar: "Do you want to hear an accountant joke?"

Second man in bar: "Before you start, I'm a champion weightlifter and I'm an accountant. The guy the other side of you is a kung-fu expert and he's also an accountant. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

Man in bar: "No ways, not if I've got to explain it twice."

Last word

 

I'm afraid of losing my obscurity. Genuineness only thrives in the dark. Like celery. – Aldous Huxley

GRAHAM LINSCOTT