Annual Sausage Shoot
GAVIN Smith, of Point Yacht Club, says last week's headline "The Glorious Twelfth" made him think we were discussing May 12, the day of the annual Sausage Shoot in Scotland, not August 12, which opens the grouse shooting season.
"This event started way back around the beginning of the last century, or maybe before, when there were no refrigerators in Scotland, so great care had to be maintained to ensure that foodstuffs such as sausages were always kept cool so as only to be served fresh.
"This was not too difficult during the months with an 'r' in them, (September through to April). However, May would usually bring along the spring, and with it warm days which were very pleasant, unless you happened to be a sausage. So sausage wastage was always a problem.
"This also happened to coincide with the closed season for grouse shooting, as they were all too busy laying eggs to go flying in front of the shooting butts. So as a result of a decision taken at a special gathering of the clans, the Great Sausage Shoot was born.
"The landed gentry came from far and wide, even Sassenachs from across the border, to participate and also get some practice for a less glorious Twelfth, which takes place a few months later. Strong-armed laddies were recruited, fresh from the Highland Games, and equipped with custom designed throwing sticks to propel the slightly pungent sausages across the moor in front of the guns.
"The first event was a great success for participants and spectators alike. Over-ripe sausages being hit by the concentrated fire from the gentry was a sight to behold as they burst, scattering the fat and meat in spectacular explosions, which fell in a shower to earth. This would provide fertiliser for the heather and foodstuff for the wee beasties living within it.
"There is no truth in the rumour that haggis have been used as targets because they are always all devoured on Burns Nicht."
You know, were it not for his connection with Point Yacht Club – where veracity is a condition of membership – I'd be tempted to think Gavin is having us on.
Flash cops
THE cops in Massachusetts, in the US, are driving Maseratis … or are they?
An officer in the town of Braintree saw a car that was painted like a police patrol vehicle. It had several decals including "911" and "Speed enforcement". But it was a Maserati sportscar.
He flagged it down and had a closer look. What appeared to be a police decal had on it the words: "Decepticons punish and enslave" – a line apparently taken from a popular TV series, replacing the cops' "Protect and Serve".
Nowt so queer as folk. The driver has been charged with impersonating the police. Why he did it is by no means clear.
Party piece
BE CAREFUL what you say in front of kids. A person who shall remain nameless has this to say:
"My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.
"All through the meal my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
"I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. Finally it was too much for me. I asked: 'Why are you staring at me?'
"The table went quiet for her response. She said: 'I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish'."
Howlers
SOME schoolboy howlers:
· The king wore a robe trimmed with vermin.
· The watchwords of the French Revolution were Liberty, Equality, Maternity.
· A quorum is a place to keep fish in.
· A vegetarian is a horse doctor.
· Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
Take that!
BUMPER sticker: "Theiyr're – take that, grammar police!"
Tailpiece
THIS fellow walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks. He stares in astonishment.
Horse: "What's the matter? Have you never seen a horse behind the bar before? I'm the new landlord."
Fellow: "It's not that. I just never dreamed the parrot would ever sell this place."
Last word
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
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