Thursday, September 4, 2014

The Idler, Monday, August 4, 2014

The action moves on

 

I belong to Glasgow,

Dear old Glasgie toon,

But somethin's the matter wi' Glasgie for

It's goin' roond an' roond.

I'm only a common old working chap

As anyone here can see,

But when I've had a couple o' drinks on a Saturday

Glasgow belongs to me …

 

THE Commonwealth Games ended in Glasgow last night, another major event where a microcosm of the world meets in good sportsmanship and good fellowship. Now the action moves on to Balgowan this Saturday for the KwaZulu-Natal Highland Games, to be held in the Michaelhouse grounds.

 

Ah, this is the real thing. The pipes will be a-skirlin, the drums will be a-drummin, the lassies will be a-dancin'. All the local regiments will be there. The kilted highlanders will be tossin' the caber, swingin' the hammer, walkin' the weight and throwin' the barrels – all the traditional Scots stuff. They'll be runnin' the kilted mile, heavin' in the tug-o'-war.

 

There'll be the traditional toast to the haggis, There'll be craft stalls, food stalls and a beer garden.

 

Skydivers from the Parachute Battalion will drop in. The dog squad of the Military Police will put on a show.

 

Aye, lassies and laddies, this is the real thing. Even Sassenachs are welcome!

 

And, of course, there's the army mess tent where we renew aquaintance with the splendid fellows who were there last year. Aye, a wee nip tae keep oot the Midlands cawd.

 

Just a wee deoch-an-doris,

Just a wee drap, that's a',

Just a wee deoch-an-doris,

Afore we gang awa' …

 

See yer, Jimmy!

 

 

Great fuss

WHY can't Sanral ever do their work without making a fuss? So asks investment analyst Dr James Greener in his latest grumpy newsletter.

"Ensuring that our exceptionally fine network of national roads is maintained and extended ought to be a task that is done quietly, competently, and more or less invisibly. Distressingly, however, our outfit with that responsibility, Sanral, appear to be unable to do anything without a great deal of fuss.

"The e-tolling debacle in Gauteng looks as if it may infect the Western Cape, but no one is allowed to know because it is all a great secret. Clearly money flowing in unusual directions must be at the heart of the mess.

"It really is time for the fuel levy to be ring-fenced in the National Revenue Fund so it can be  channelled to the purposes for which it is raised. It must not be used to help fund events like a R200 000 fly-past at an inauguration."

 

 

Signs

 

SOME signs that could have done with a little more thought:

 

·         "Toilet out of order. Please use floor below."

·         In a laundromat. "Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."

 

·         In a department store. "Bargain basement upstairs."

 

·         In an office. "After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board."

 

·         Outside a second-hand shop. "We exchange anything – bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?"

 

·         In a safari park. "Elephants, please stay in your car."

 

·         In a farmer's field. "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."

 

·         On a repair shop door. "We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)."

 

 

Headlines

 

AND here are some newspaper headlines that could have done with a bit more thought:

 

·         "Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over"

·         "Miners refuse to work after death"

·         "Juvenile court to try shooting defendant"

·         "War dims hope for peace"

·         "Red tape holds up new bridges"

·         "New study of obesity looks for larger test group"

·         "Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft"

 

One of my favourite headlines appeared across two pages in the erstwhile News of the World. Quite a bit of thought went into it: "Nudist camp manager finds model wife naked in bed with Chinese hypnotist from co-op bacon factory."

 

 

Tailpiece

Magistrate: "For pickpocketing, I fine you R1 000."

Defence lawyer: "May it please the court, my client has with him only R800 at present. We request a short adjournment until after the tea break, during which my client will mingle with the throng in the cafeteria and thereafter make payment in full."

 

Last word

He who hesitates is a damn fool. – Mae West

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