Dogs, ducks, rabbits …
DETAILS come this way of an e-mail exchange in Australia between a cobber named David Thorne and a sheila named Helen Bailey who works for the company managing the block of flats where he lives.
"Dear Helen,
"Thank you for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
"Regards, David."
"Hello David,
"I have received your e-mail and wish to remind you that the Strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
"Helen."
"Dear Helen,
"Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least 10 as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing.
"I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships.
"For the first year of the puppies' life I intend to say the word "mush" then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least 60 percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word "mush" with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners.
"I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming in first.
"Regards, David."
"David, I am unsure what to make of your e-mail. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
"Helen."
"Dear Helen,
"No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celsius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours.
"The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh.
"Once I ate left-over Chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
"Regards, David."
"Hello David ,
"You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be OK.
"Helen."
"Dear Helen,
"They are very small ducks.
"Regards, David."
"David, under Section 4 of the Strata Residency Agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms.
"These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
"Helen."
"Dear Helen,
"The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my 17 cats anyway."
"Regards, David."
"David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
"Helen."
The penny drops. Attagirl! What a wonderful vehicle for humour e-mail can be.
Tailpiece
"DOCTOR, doctor, I'm feeling terrible."
"What are the symptoms?"
"They're a cartoon show with yellow people."
Last word
In case you're worried about what's going to become of the younger generation, it's going to grow up and start worrying about the younger generation.
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