Thursday, September 4, 2014

The Idler, Monday, October 7, 2013

Etiquette while abroad

THE CHINESE authorities have told their nationals it's not on to widdle in swimming pools while on holiday abroad.

This is one of the etiquette rules in a handbook issued to would-be tourists before they depart for abroad. Other "don'ts" include picking one's nose, leaving footprints on toilet seats and stealing lifejackets.

It also warns tourists to Germany especially that the fingers may be snapped only to beckon dogs, not humans.

The handbook is issued by the National Tourism Administration and is titled Guidebook for Civilised Tourism. It follows an uproar in Hong Kong caused by a party of tourists from the mainland, one of whom allowed her young son to urinate in a bottle while they were in a restaurant.

Chinese Vice-Premier Wang Yang has said the uncivilised behaviour of Chinese tourists abroad threatens to damage the image of the Chinese people as a whole.

One takes his point but aren't they being a little severe? What kind of holiday is it if you're not even allowed to steal a lifejacket?

Nkandla

 

MORE mystery swirls about Nkandla. Investment analyst Dr James Greener notes it in his latest grumpy newsletter.

"The call for tenders to supply something called Nkandla VIP Sanitation is rather alarming. What are they using now behind that million rand fence?"

What indeed?

Foefie wedding

A BRIDE and groom in America decided they wanted something different for their wedding. So instead of him waiting in church for her to be walked down the aisle (late, by tradition) they zipped in together for the ceremony, on a foefie slide.

Lauren Bushar and Ben Youngkin were planning the thing in North Carolina when they discovered the venue had a foefie slide (known there as a zip wire). So they arranged the ceremony around the zip wire.

We're not told how they set off on honeymoon, but presumably it would have been on a skateboard (The honeymoon they no doubt spent in a hammock - nothing conventional about Lauren and Ben).

 

Life-changing

VARIOUS readers have described personal close-up encounters with animals in the wild, life-changing experiences they never forget.

Another comes in, no name given. "I was once patrolling late at night for poachers on my dad's farm in Zimbabwe. The skies opened up and I climbed under a small thorn bush for shelter.

"After about five minutes a bushbuck came and sat next to me. It didn't move until the rain stopped. Then it got up, looked at me and just walked off.

"I will never forget that experience. It had an impact on me and I have never hunted or harmed an animal again."

Astonishing, isn't it?

Tailpiece

CINDERELLA is 95 and she sits in her rocking chair on her front porch with her cat, Bob, for company. The once handsome prince died years ago. Suddenly the fairy godmother appears out of nowhere.

"Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

"Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

"I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques. I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly her rocking chair turns into solid gold.

"What do you want for your second wish?"

"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

Her wish becomes reality; her beauty and youth return. She feels stirrings she has not felt for years. And then the fairy godmother speaks once more:

"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and says: "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind, and handsome, young man."

Bob is suddenly a man so handsome she nor the world have not seen his like before.

And in a blaze of blue light the fairy godmother is gone, as suddenly as she arrived.

Bob and Cinderella look into each other's eyes. He takes her in his muscular arms and holds her close. His breath gently wafts her golden hair as he says: "I bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

 

Last word

 

When someone tells you something defies description, you can be pretty sure he's going to have a go at it anyway.

Clyde B Aster
 

 

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