Down memory lane
A BLAST from the past. Francis and Marie Sauzier, of Glenhills, were moving house when, in the clutter, they discovered an old Idler's column dated January 25, 1967, which they enjoyed so much that Francis cut it out.
That's 47 years ago, a time when the Idler did not sign by name and the column was sub-headed: "Down our lane". It must have been written either by Jack Shepherd-Smith, who went on to become editor of Scope magazine and other publications, or Esmond Caro, who took over for a while before becoming a player in the real estate business.
It would have been shortly before John Vigor – who was the first to sign by name – took up the Idler's quill. (Jack and Esmond are still around in Durban – John is in the US).
What was the Idler on about in those days? First of all, I like the Tailpiece and have repeated it today. The column kicks off with Jack (or Esmond) interviewing a scientist who has discovered a 104th element – WOMAN.
Symbol: Woe.
Atomic weight: About 100-200lb.
Occurrence: Seldom in free state; usually associated with men.
Physical properties: Usually rounded in form. Boils at absolutely no temperature and freezes at any moment. Mild when properly treated but very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Highly attractive. Possesses great affinity for gold, silver and precious stones. Violent spontaneous reaction when left alone. Turns green when placed beside a better-looking specimen. Ages rapidly …
Er, hold on. That was 1967. You were allowed to say this kind of thing in those days. Not today. I'd better stop now, I know one or two damsels who would consider this stuff sexist and would proceed to box my ears.
Times have changed. But perhaps not that much. Maybe that's why the Idler didn't sign his name in those days.
Wtmb
JACK Shepherd-Smith it was who almost caused a civil war in this province. He wrote a paragraph: "Last week they held a beauty competition in Ladysmith. Nobody won."
It caused uproar in the town. The council convened a special meeting and passed a motion of censure on The Mercury while the rest of the province rocked with laughter.
A group of Ladysmith toughs tried to kidnap Jack. A colleague was pulled up at a red traffic light in Ladysmith, driving a signwritten Mercury car, when a fellow on foot slapped at the bodywork the length of the car then yelled in at the window: "Are you from Durban? Where the hell's that?"
Yes, feelings ran high. They were just beginning to subside when Jack (or it might have been his successor, Esmond) wrote another paragraph: "They held a Miss Lucky Legs contest in Ladysmith last week. It was won by the billiard table in the Royal Hotel."
Whoof! Petrol on the flames.
John Vigor tried to calm things down by following any mention of Ladysmith with "(wtmb)" – wherever that might be.
As a pacifist by nature, I steer clear of the controversy. In fact so relaxed has the relationship become that I've been invited by the Ladysmith Women's Institute to present the prizes at their next Bokdrolspoeg Cultural Evening. (Bokdrolspoeg involves taking a mouthful of mampoer then spitting a buck dropping - preferably kudu - as hard and as far as you can). Some of those Ladysmith lasses are prodigious with the bokdrol.
Growing old
A MOST arresting e-mail comes this way. It's illustrated by a lakeside scene as evening falls, a walkway reaching out over the water. It's headed "Walk with me while I age."
It has an introduction: "I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me – then my forwarding it will be worth the effort. Walk with me by the water – worth the read … a beautiful poem about growing older."
Then 22 blank lines.
Then: "Dammit! I forgot the words!"
| |||||
Philosophy
OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "Why should you take riding classes before studying philosophy? You can't put Descartes before the horse."
Tailpiece (from 1967)
"HAVE ye lost somethin' then, laddie?"
"Aye, I've dropped ma penny doon this drain."
"Och, never mind then, never mind. Here's a match to help ye look for it."
Last word
A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
No comments:
Post a Comment