The Idler, Monday, October 14, 2013

Seventeen years on

 

THREE days to go before the world economic system implodes if the American Congress don't get their act together and vote a new debt ceiling so they don't have to renege.

 

But you wouldn't think so, looking at the stock exchanges. The punters seem to know something.

 

Meanwhile, they say the same thing happened 17 years ago. Does anyone remember it? No. Why not?

 

Well, there was a major distraction at the time. The entire world was discussing the antics in the Oval Office of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.

 

Debt ceiling? What debt ceiling? You've got to get your news priorities right.

 

 

Strange bird

 

A BIRD I didn't recognise got into my bath the other day … er, let me rephrase that.

 

I was looking out of the kitchen window at the birdbath the other day when I spotted a bird I've never seen before. It was a sort of medium-size, about the size of a redwing starling, and was bathing there with great gusto, ruffling its feathers and splashing the water about.

 

It seemed a lightish brown in colour – no other markings that I could notice – though its feathers of course went dark from the water.

 

The distinguishing feature was the beak – a bright yellow-orange and hooked on the point, just like an albatross. I've looked in two bird books and nowhere do I see anything like my miniature albatross.

 

Have I discovered a new species? Can anyone out there help?

 

 

 

 

Monty Python

 

WHO REMEMBERS the ice cream vendor sketch in Monty Python's Flying Circus?

 

"Albatross! Albatross!"

 

"Wot flavour is it?"

 

"It's a seabird, innit? It's bleedin' seabird flavour!"

 

"Do we get wafers wiv' it?"

 

Course you don't get bleedin' wafers wiv' it! It's a bleedin' seabird innit? Albatross! Albatross! Stormy Petrel on a Stick! Gannet Ripple …"

 

Wonderful, nutty stuff.

 

 

Computer chat

 

A DIALOGUE with IT:

 

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

 

"roses"

"Sorry, too few characters."

"prettyroses"

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

"1 pretty rose"

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

"1prettyrose"

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

"1damnprettyrose"

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

"1DAMNprettyrose"

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1DamnPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."

1DamnPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightDamnwellNow!"

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

1DamnPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightDamnwellNow"

"Sorry, that password is already in use."

 

Coffee rage

OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "Coffee definitely makes people aggressive. Last night I had 12 double brandies, the wife had two cups of coffee. You wouldn't believe the way she raved and went on at me."

Let's B silly

 

YET ANOTHER sequel to last week's Tailpiece about the petrol tank that was filled up with BP. Reader Mike Harland says this silly one was going around way back when he was in Northern Rhodesia (now Zambia).

 

A man goes to a garage to buy some oil.  He says to the counter hand: "Cana BP." (Can of BP).

 

Counter hand: "I don't know, I've never looked."

 

As I feared, a deluge of silliness has begun.

"

Tailpiece   AN ELDERLY Italian man who lives on the outskirts of Rimini, goes to church for confession. "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess it." "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays." "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" "Should I tell her the war is over?"

Last word

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. – HL Mencken