Finding good value
NEWS from Australia. A store has opened in Melbourne that sells new husbands. A woman is able to go there to choose a husband. There are six floors and the value of the goods on offer increases at each upward level.
But there are strict rules. A woman may visit the store only once – marriage is a serious business, after all. And she's not allowed to switch backwards and forwards between the different floors.
Let us follow the progress of a woman shopper. On the first floor a sign reads: "These men have Jobs."
"Good," she thinks. But she continues to the second floor: "These men have jobs and love kids."
"Nice," she thinks. "But I want a bit more."
So she continues upward to the third floor: "These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Wow!" But she keeps going to the fourth floor: "These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework."
" Unbelievable!" But she keeps on climbing to the fifth floor: "These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak."
She hesitates – but then goes on to the sixth floor anyway: "You are visitor 31 456 012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."
This is, of course, a venture fraught with risk. But to avoid accusations of sexism or gender bias, the entrepreneur has opened a New Wives store just across the street.
First floor: "Wives who love sex."
Second floor: "Wives who love sex and have money and like beer."
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Fighting who?
LINDA Vandeverre wants to know why Julius Malema calls his new party the Economic Freedom Fighters? Is it because he wants to fight economic freedom?
Nationalise the mines, confiscate the land … yes, I suppose that's one way of looking at it.
Truck carnage
STANLEY Fraser sends in some pithy lines on the continuing carnage by heavy trucks.
Time to take stock,
Another truck runs amok.
When will this killing stop?
What say you, our top cop?
Empty stands
PERHAPS it's as well that the Sharks didn't get a home final. If the crowd turn-out were to be anything like the paltry sprinkling at King's Park for Saturday's semi-final, it would be downright embarrassing.
"What's happened to the Durban crowd?" former Bok coach Nick Mallett asked incredulously on TV after the game.
What indeed? King's Park used to fizz with excitement, the stands were packed. The party afterwards on the outer fields was unique and world-renowned.
To part-answer Mallett, King's Park is not just a Durban crowd. It's also a Zululand crowd, an East Griqualand crowd, a Midlands crowd, a Northern Natal crowd and even a small crowd from the eastern Free State. Five o'clock – and, worse, seven o'clock – games are just not an option for them logistically.
The weather might have had something to do with it. But a few years ago they would have turned out in a blizzard for a semi-final.
Things seem to be conspiring against the King's Park's crowd spirit: that sickening incident of thuggery last year; the liquor board's absurd and confusing stance on people drinking their own liquor round their own braai fires on the outer fields, as if these were in any way a public place; the rugby union's just as confused half-acquiescence.
The new regime have more on their plate than putting together and coaching a winning side. They have to resuscitate the rugby community.
Wagers
POLITICAL analyst Aubrey Matshiqi predicts that both Agang and the Economic Freedom Fighters will have seats in parliament after the next election. If they don't, he says, he as a staunch Orlando Pirates supporter will wear Kaizer Chiefs regalia for a year.
That's a serious wager. And if we don't beat Western Province and lift the Currie Cup next Saturday, I'll wear a red beret for a year.
Tailpiece
A ROMAN walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
"You mean a martini?"
"If I wanted a double I'd ask for it."
Last word
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
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