Message from the future
IT'S September 18, 2024. The setting is John O'Groat's, northernmost tip of mainland Scotland. The pipes sound a lament from the surrounding hills. A kilted tour guide gestures toward the cliff-edge and the freezing North Sea below.
"And here it was that the Greet Kilted Lemming-Rush was held 10 yeers ago the day. 'Twas led by the man they now call Smoked Salmond. 'Twas inspired by Mel Gibson and a Hollywood movie called Braveheart.
"The Sassenachs tried tae stop it. The bankers and the business folk tried tae stop it. The oil folk tried tae stop it. Folk said Scotland would have nae navy nor air force. Nithin tae stop oor fish stocks gettin' poached.
"Folk said we'd have nae poonds. Also nae Euros 'cos the EU disnae take on any mair basket cases. They also said we'd lose oor subsidy frae Westminster, the biggest in Britain per heed.
"But Smoked Salmond wasnae a man tae be deterred by economists and bankers and business people. Freedom is what coonts. Did ye no' see Braveheart?
"Nae poonds, nae Euros, nae dollars. So he went intae a currency union wi' North Korea – the only country tae support Scottish independence – and signed a non-aggression pact wi' them and wi' the separatists in East Ukraine.
"Aye, the Greet Scottish Lemming-Rush, it's done wonders fer the tourism industry. That cliff just there - that's where Salmond led the charge …"
Screechers
I STILL say the smart money is on the "No" vote in Scotland. The "Yes" people are screeching it from the rooftops. The "Undecideds" – a large block - are canny Scots who will vote "No" but don't like nosy questions.
Yet, as they say south of the border in Yorkshire: "Nowt so queer as folk."
Ladysmith
RECENTLY we discussed the way Idlers of yesteryear were in a state of conflict with the town of Ladysmith. It stemmed from a piece written by Jack Shepherd-Smith in which he said they'd held a beauty competition in Ladysmith but nobody won.
The outrage of the siege town was just beginning to simmer down months later when it blew up again with a paragraph saying they'd held a Miss Lucky Legs competition in Ladysmith. It was won by the billiard table in the Royal Hotel.
Another former Idler, Esmond Caro (who took over from Jack), was part of a peace-making process which culminated in his crowning the Ladysmith Show Queen in 1966 (See picture).
He can't remember the gals' names – the Queen and Princess – but they are certainly most yummy. Can any of our Ladysmith readers identify them?
Who coached?
READER Don Porter says the reply to a question posed in our sister newspaper, the Daily News, this week is "almost right."
Question: "Who is the only Springbok coach to beat the All Blacks twice in New Zealand?"
Answer: "Peter de Villiers – Dunedin 2002 and Hamilton 2003."
Except that Philip Nel's 1937 "Invincibles" won the series 2-1 after losing the First Test 7-13 at Athletic Park, Wellington; winning the Second 13-6 at Lancaster Park, Christchurch; and winning the Third 17-6 (five tries to nil - but there were no bonus points then) at Eden Park, Auckland. Those were the days of three points for a try and four for a drop-goal.
But who was the coach? Was there one?
"The touring team photo shows MM Louw, PJ Nel (captain) and DH Craven (vice-captain), seated between the Manager and Assistant Manager (the only two in suits and not in rugby togs).
"I can find no reference to a coach. I think the captain and vice-captain were responsible in those days for any coaching and tactics."
Can anyone out there enlighten us?
Tailpiece
A LONDONER is on his deathbed. A nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.
He says: "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall."
"Arthur, I want you to take the offices over in City Centre.
"Sally, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the Thames."
Then he slips away.
The nurse: "My dear, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to accumulate all that property".
Wife: "Property? He delivered newspapers."
Last word
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
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