Buzzed by wasps …
THIS woman in Winchester, England, had a spare bedroom upstairs that she rarely visited. The bed had a nice knitted quilt.
Then one day she went in and checked because she was expecting an overnight guest and there seemed to be quite a few wasps around. She called a pest controller.
He pulled back the quilt to find a wasps' nest that covered half the bed. The colony contained about 5 000 wasps, thousands more grubs and about 500 young queens. They must have been building the nest all summer.
They were angry. He was in protective veil and the rest of the gear and he had a poison spray but it still took him four hours to dispose of the wasps.
What a lively story this would have been if the overnight guest had discovered the nest.
… and hornets
IT RECALLS an occasion when I found myself in a golf tournament at Richmond, in the Midlands, some years after I'd given up playing. I had an old unmatched set of clubs, some with hickory shafts, all in a tattered fabric golf bag.
But where was this bag? I hadn't seen it in years. Eventually I found it hanging on the wall of a garden shed. Throwing it into the boot of the car, I set off for Richmond.
What I hadn't noticed was that hornets had built a large earthen nest in the bottom of the bag. The car jolted quite a bit along the way and the hornets were getting nice and angry.
On arrival at the Richmond clubhouse I opened the boot, from which issued a cloud of hornets, buzzing furiously. They started stinging all in the vicinity. But not me for some reason.
Funny, I've never been invited back.
Conspiracy
WHEN will this conspiracy end? We've been bombarded by photographs of the surface of Mars sent back by the Curiosity Rover - harsh, gravelly wasteland studded with rocks; not a trace of water or vegetation.
Now a fellow named Marc Kaufman has written a book about it, illustrated with the photos, and he's been talking about it on the BBC.
But it's all a gigantic hoax. As anyone who has been to Kimberley will tell you, this is the Griquas rugby field.
A joke's a joke but they're carrying it a bit far.
Fossil giant
THE fossil of a giant dinosaur species, which would have weighed more than a Boeing 737, has been discovered in Argentina.
Dubbed "Dreadnoughtus", he would have been 26m from nose to tail and weighed more than 60 tons.
Yet he was a vegetarian. And the scientists' reconstruction of how he would have looked makes him much like a little lizard.
As DH Lawrence said of the tiny hummingbird:
We look at him through the wrong end of the long telescope of Time,
Luckily for us.
Jolly jumbuck
AND he sang as he stowed the jumbuck in his tuckerbag ... Except that this jumbuck, (Aussie sheep), escaped the jolly swagman of Waltzing Matilda and stayed at large for six years, escaping the shears. He was found wandering on farmland in Tasmania. His fleece is estimated to weigh more than 20kg, which could be a world record.
That they'll find out any day now when they shear him.
The Aussies have named him Shaun. Dunno why. What's wrong with Bruce?
Tailpiece
AN ELDERLY Frenchman goes to his parish priest and says he wants to confess a sin that has been on his conscience for years.
"Of course, my son. What is the sin?"
"Well, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis, who were looking for her as a member of the Resistance. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing you need to confess."
"Father, I was weak. I asked her to pay rent with sexual favours."
"Well, it was a difficult time and you took a large risk. You would have suffered terribly at the hands of the Nazis if they had found her. Good balances against evil. I am sure you will be judged kindly."
"Thank you, Father. May I ask one question?"
"What is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Last word
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
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