A whole new world down there
MARINE scientists are upbeat and excited about what they have discovered in a 10-year study of the world's oceans, a project in which 2 700 of them participated. All kinds of new species have been discovered, including giant sea spiders in the Antarctic.
It's a whole new undersea world, they say, with about 750 000 species waiting to be discovered, some of them thriving in the most adverse conditions. It sounds as if the marine environment is doing pretty well.
Yet the Scientific Steering Committee use some strangely unscientific language to quantify what they have found.
The sea spiders are "the size of dinner plates". Shoals of fish were found, "the size of Manhattan island".
They say most ocean biomass is made up of tiny microbial cells which would collectively weigh "the equivalent of 240 billion African elephants".
Yes, we know exactly what they mean. It's easy to grasp the concept of 240 billion elephants. Just as long as they aren't all in the room at once.
Misplaced terminology
IT'S DISTRESSING to read that the Gender Commission has ground to a standstill – nothing at all is happening, according to a report issued by the Public Protector.
Perhaps this is because it was misnamed in the first place. The word "gender" refers not to the sex of an individual, it's a grammatical term properly used in relation to the masculine, feminine and neuter nouns of the Germanic and Romance languages.
Misplaced termininology can have results that are detrimental. I've a feeling that if they'd called it the Sex Commission, things would still be going with a zing.
Who sent her?
QUESTIONS are being asked about the sad death in Afghanistan of British aid worker Linda Norgrove, who had been kidnapped by insurgents. Was she killed by a grenade thrown by her American would-be rescuers? Should a rescue attempt have been launched at all?
Surely another question is also in order. Who sends a 36-year-old girl into a hellhole of a place, unarmed and without escort? She couldn't have got there on her own.
Life is serious
THE UKRAINE has shifted from orange to grey. Glamour is out. With the shift of political power back to the Moscow-oriented party, public servants have been ordered to dress accordingly.
Lacy dresses and stilettos are out for women. They have to stick to business suits, low-heeled shoes and minimal make-up and jewellery. Men have to wear grey or dark blue suits, never the same one two days running.
Glamorous Yulia Tymoshenko, former prime minister and a product of the Orange Revolution, describes it as laughable. Queen Elizabeth of Britain and Colonel Gaddafi of Libya would both fall foul of the dress code, she says.
But reality is reality. I'm sure there's an opening in the Ukraine for anyone hoping to relaunch the safari suit.
Still serious
That's how I got
My mother-in-law,
Through sippin' cider through a straw …
BARNET council, in England, denies putting a ban on mother-in-law jokes in the workplace.
All that happened, it says, is that around 30 staff attending an equality and diversity practice workshop were given a booklet cautioning them on their use of humour. It said: "Careful on Humour. Humour can be incredibly culture-specific and is very open to misinterpretation or even offence. Example: British mother-in-law jokes, as well as offensively sexist in their own right, can also be seen as offensive on the grounds that they disrespect elders or parents."
Oh boy! Equality and diversity practice workshop - all the buzzwords. I must book my next holiday in Barnet.
Whacko Jacko
A TAIWANESE farmer has set up two Michael Jackson scarecrows to keep the birds from eating his rice crop. One is in a Moonwalker outfit, the other in the classic Thriller red. Lee Ping-hsing plans one more.
It should work a treat. Do these scarecrows move? Are there sound effects? It's not so much the Michael Jackson dance steps that would drive off the birds, it's the squeaks that accompany them, plus the umbrella.
Tailpiece
Why is the sea so restless?
You'd be restless too with crabs all over your bottom.
Last word
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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