Touch not a hair
LLOYD'S of London has insured the hair of American gridiron footballer Troy Polamalu for $1 million. Polamalu, who plays for the Pittsburgh Steelers, has not cut his hair in 10 years and keeps his black mane in honour of his Samoan ancestors.
The insurance has been arranged by Proctor and Gamble, whose anti-dandruff shampoo he advertises. It seems they're nervous that somebody might grab him by the hair during a match and damage the marketing material. Apparently it did happen once when Larry Johnson, of the Kansas Chiefs, just could not resist the temptation.
Lloyd's of London has previously insured Bruce Springsteen's voice, Marlene Dietrich's legs and rock guitarist Keith Richards's fingers.
Toothpaste brand Aquafresh insured the smile of Ugly Betty star America Ferrara for $10 million, while Costa Coffee did the same for the taste buds of the tongue of chief taster Gennaro Pelliccia.
Maritzburg Collegians missed an opportunity. If they'd insured my hair for $1 million when I was playing Under-20 for them, by the time I hung up my boots 10 years later they would have cashed in big time.
No vuvuzelas
EUROPEAN football has banned the vuvuzela from matches under Uefa jurisdiction. The controlling body wants to protect the culture and tradition of fans singing at football grounds.
It's not just European football that has such a culture and tradition. Until the vuvuzela took over here, our crowds did much the same.
Many of us would have preferred Shosholoza and the rest of it to that rasping, tuneless drone.
How old is this vuvuzela "tradition"? Three years? Five years? Somebody got on the financial bandwagon.
Science
EDUCATIONISTS and the business community are always calling for a greater emphasis in our schools on the sciences. We all of us need to assist where we can, and I therefore reproduce an item from the Register of Hazardous Materials.
Element: Woman.
Discoverer: Adam.
Atomic mass: Accepted as 55kg but known to vary from 45kg to 225kg.
Physical properties:
· Body surface normally covered with film of powder and paint.
· Boils at absolutely nothing – freezes for no apparent reason.
· Found in various grades ranging from virgin to common ore.
Chemical properties:
· Reacts well to gold, platinum and all precious stones.
· Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning.
· The most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
Common use:
· Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
· Can greatly aid relaxation.
· Can be a very effective cleaning agent.
Hazards:
· Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.
· Possession of more than one is possible but specimens must never make eye contact.
There, I've done my bit.
Let's tie it on
IT'S AMUSING to observe the way people on British TV these days carefully cultivate the image of non-toffism. Tony Blair started it by appearing without a tie – one of the lads, none of this upper middle class stuffiness and conformity. He was followed with alacrity by David Cameron – who also prefers to be known as "Dave".
And they have been followed by all kinds of people including media commentators.
The problem is that the Poms don't wear open-neck shirts the way we do. So when they take off their tie an untidy-looking collar is left behind. It sits there awkwardly, unbuttoned. It doesn't know whether to tuck under the coat collar or be outside it. Usually it is half and half, everything awry.
The other night the fellow going through the content of the Fleet Street papers looked as if he'd been dragged through a hedge.
The working class folk they are trying to suck up to must be rolling about laughing. As anyone knows, Dad relaxin' in 'is Sunday best means a detachable collar that has been detached; a stud left behind to 'old shirt together oop top. Then 'e sups tea out of saucer.
Tailpiece
| TWO college football players in Kentucky are writing an exam. The last question tells them to fill-in-the-blank: "Old MacDonald had a …" Bubba is stumped. He taps Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst! Tiny, what's the answer to the last one?" "Farm," Tiny whispers back. "Howdja spell that?" "E-I-E-I-O." | |
Last word
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
No comments:
Post a Comment