The Goldilocks Youth League
THE STARGAZERS have discovered an Earth-like "Goldilocks" planet that is not too hot, not too cold, probably has water in liquid form - which is the basis of life as we know it - and is the most promising find yet in terms of potential in outer space for an environment that supports life.
It's a tantalising thought. Gilese-581g (wonderfully romantic name that) might well be home to a parallel civilisation to our own. It might even have its own Julius Malema.
But there are a few differences. Gilese-581g – let's rather call it Goldilocks – does not spin on its own axis, the way Earth does, as it rotates around its sun. That means part of it is in perpetual sunlight – too hot for the survival of most life forms – and part in perpetual darkness, a little too nippy for comfort. But a perpetual sunrise zone would provide conditions conducive to life, rolled up sleeves weather, as A boffin puts it – no doubt also with the perpetual aroma of breakfast cooking .
Then when you feel like a bit of night life – discos and that kind of thing - you flit into the dark zone. When you need a suntan, you flit in the other direction. No doubt the beaches are located in this sunlit zone.
For us it would take a bit of getting used to, but for Goldilockians it's no doubt as natural as the sun not rising.
If conditions conducive to life do in fact exist on Goldilocks, at what stage of evolution would the planet be? The pond algae stage or the climax - TV, the celebrity culture and the world-wide casino known as international finance? Or – sombre thought – has it already gone through that stage, destroyed its civilisation and started again at the algae stage?
If Goldilocks lives up to expectations, Homo sapiens surely should not be allowed to set foot on it. He's all but wrecked one planet already. However, expeditionary visits seem unlikely. Goldilocks is 193 000 billion kilometres from Earth and it would take a spacecraft travelling at the speed of light 20 years to reach it.
Julius can forget about nationalising the mineral resources.
Ancient skills
SOME verse relating to the ancient world:
Although they had no first aid class,
Egyptians were not dummies.
They knew the art of bandaging,
They learned it from their mummies.
Black lingerie
THE story that follows is related by a married woman.
"I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress and I have been married for 20-plus years.
"We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.
"My engaged friend: 'The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said: You are the woman of my dreams. I love you. Then we made passionate love all night long.'
"The mistress: 'Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.'
"Then I had to share my story: 'When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said: What's for dinner, Zorro?'"
I'm not sure I get the point of this. So what?
Play the game!
BUMPER sticker: "Don't be a sexist – broads hate that!"
Tailpiece
PADDY is on his way home after pub closing. As he gets to the escalator to the underground, he reads a sign: "Dogs must be carried on the escalator".
He shouts: "Now where am I to find a dog after midnight?"
Last word
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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