Save the rhino – have fun!
NOW HERE'S a campaign that deserves to go fully international. And with just a bit of tweaking it could become a lot of fun.
Canadian MP Dr Keith Martin has taken up the cause of the rhino that are being poached for their horn with such sickening frequency in South Africa, Zululand included.
The reason is the supposed aphrodisiac qualities of the rhino horn, which has created immense demand in China, especially as the economy expands and a vast new class of wealthy philanderers emerges.
Yet, as Dr Martin says, rhino horn has no medicinal qualities whatever. It is agglutinated hair, similar to fingernails – a completely useless product.
The campaign: Write personally to President Hu Jintao, of China, urging him to stop the trade in rhino horn and educate his countrymen as to its futility. Dr Martin supplies the e-mail address of the Chinese Embassy in Ottawa.
Let's bombard every Chinese embassy everywhere. But I say let's also go further.
During the Cultural Revolution, Mao-tse-Tung had thousands of students running around banging gongs to prevent sparrows roosting so that the wheat crop could be saved. The cacophony of noise was excruciating.
Dr Martin now needs to give the world President Hu's telephone numbers – day and night. Rhino campaigners can then harrangue him round the clock, from all round the world. Give him the sparrow treatment.
All in the cause of conservation. And quite a lot of fun.
Bangalala
SUCH a campaign should, of course, be accompanied by a marketing drive for aphrodisiacs that really do work. Get the Chinese hooked on those.
Where are such products to be found? Why, Lusikisiki, in the Transkei, where bangalala muti (made from a root, not rhino horn) was developed to a pitch of efficacy by the late Khotso Sethunsa.
Imagine the export volumes, the cash inflow. I am available for Jacob Zuma's economic advisory council.
If only
MEANWHILE, a quibble. Dr Martin speaks of poachers "decimating" rhino.
If only that were so. Decimation means one in 10 attrition – only 10 percent. I'm sure he really means "annihilation" or "extinction".
Clown politics
A BRAZILIAN clown called Tiririca is hot favourite to win a seat in congress in elections this weekend. His campaign adverts on YouTube have attracted millions of hits with slogans that include: "It can't get any worse" and "What does a federal deputy do? Truly, I don't know. But vote for me and I will find out for you."
These are slogans with a resonance in South Africa as well. Perhaps a fully-fledged Clown Party is what we need.
However, a judge in Sao Paulo has demanded that Tiririca demonstrate that he meets the literacy requirement for elected office before he can take up his seat in Congress, if elected.
That is not very sporting. I wonder if it has any applicability here.
Brothers
"AND Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him.
"And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: am I my brother's keeper?"
Watching, on TV, Ed Miliband's acceptance speech at the British Labour Party conference – where he had come from behind to beat his much-fancied brother to take the Labour leadership – one could not but wonder whether fratricide really is a sound basis for political recovery.
This was not soap opera. This was real human drama – real hurt and, I suspect, real torment of conscience.
Short pants politics
THEY say that when policemen start looking young, you're getting old. I think much the same must be true of British MPs.
Ed Miliband speaks of a new generation in the Labour Party. It's that all right. And when you look at this fresh-faced lad and the prime minister and deputy prime minister who will face him across the floor of the House of Commons – David Cameron and Nick Clegg – you wonder if any of their mums know where they are and what they're doing.
This is how juvenile delinquency starts. Next thing they'll be smashing streetlights, next they'll be invading countries in the Middle East.
Tailpiece
THE TEENAGER was opening her first bank account. The application form said: "Name your former bank."
After a moment's hesitation she wrote: "Piggy".
Last word
I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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